We are going through a rough patch around here. Normally I like to read comments so I can know I have been heard by someone out there. But not today. Today you will not be able to comment. Today the words just come from me for me.
God continues to do amazing things in spite of us. He is confirming his call on our lives from all angles and we are moving forward on the same page faster than we ever have on a single issue before. It is like God is posing the same questions in each of our hearts regarding foster parenting and adopting and answering them in the same way faster than we can bounce the topic off each other. Life is moving in hyper speed and we are lagging behind.
I am struggling internally with the Lord. Such a strange feeling to KNOW completely what God's will is for your life and yet doubt it 100%. I started to regret sharing any information here. "If I hadn't opened my mouth maybe we could just stop all of this and pretend like none of it happened," I thought. The cat is out of the bag now isn't it? Why do I always do that? Make these big announcements about all God is going to do before I have my seat belt buckled. He knew I would do it and he knew I would feel this way about it. I guess I am thankful I wrote about our desire to foster so you would all pray for us. Part of me wonders if I will really write much more on the topic until it becomes a lot more real. But who am I kidding? If it is on my mind and heart than God put it there for a reason. I just hesitate to drag you all along on this rough journey with us. I am sure one or two of you might even think we are crazy. Then pray for us harder.
Even though we know we would never want to "pretend like none of this happened" the voice of fears and unknowns are growing in my head. A voice that I know is not of the Lord and yet I choose to listen for awhile just to have a practical stand point.
Oh Lord, I REALLY don't think my heart will be able to handle this. The stories we have heard have been difficult to hear. 8 month old twins staring up at their foster parents confused because they had hardly ever been held before. Kids with filing cabinets full of records on all they have been through. Oh Lord, please send someone to adopt them. Letting a child into your life and family for a whole year before they were returned to their birth family. "If I did it again I would draw better lines between our kids and the foster kids. After awhile you just forget that there is a difference," a new friend told us. Sending a child back into a situation you know is bad and may never hear from again. You know...the kind of stories that come with talking to others who have walked the road with the Lord and spur you to action and yet make you afraid to even give your heart to be used by God at all. Somehow knowing it is going to hurt just makes it harder.
Oh Lord, the Enemy keeps telling me my marriage and family will not be able to handle this. Strengthen us Lord. I stand in awe at how you had birthed this in My Love's heart years before me. How you have spoken to us directly and clearly in the same way about every issue regarding fostering/adopting in the last two weeks. Each confirmation is another I-Love-You from my Lord and yet I listen to the lies...or rather worldly realities. Self is creeping in and more than ever it feels like we NEED to plant our feet in a sold cement foundation three inches from each other. The storms will be coming and Satan is quick to tell us our house of cards will come crashing down. So we dive in head first to the Word seeking to know it more now than ever.
But even with the threat of heartache and family stress, the pain we feel waiting is compounding. How is it possible this only came about two weeks ago? Oh but of course it didn't. God wrote it before the beginning of time and has been whispering his plan to us along the road of our lives. We can not wait to get started. Every time we think about our little babes being out there somewhere our hearts break a little more. Bring them quickly Lord.
I don't feel strong enough for this journey and yet that is exactly the point.