About this time one year ago, I wrote down several key things I felt like God wanted me to work on and pray for in 2012. Here is my look back at those goals. Enjoy.
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*ABIDE: I feel strongly that this year
will be about learning how to abide. To make God the focus of every
moment and to pray in every circumstance.
Learning to abide in Him was definitely a
reoccurring theme this past year for me. You don't realize how much you compartmentalize the Lord in your life until you know what it feels like to need him every hour. I am hopeless without Him. I didn't go as far as tattooing it
on my body but I did use a sharpie on my wrist to remind me on a few
occasions. I thought that was better than writing it on my child's forehead. Check out the jewelry J's friend had made. So cool. Awww yes. To abide in Him is my [daily] life goal.
(mine)
(friend's)
(friend of a friend)
*BOLDNESS: I have a feeling this will
be a continual theme. The years of "silent witness" seem to be behind
me. It has become easier for me to speak the name of Jesus but God has
provided an all together new opportunity for me this year. I am excited
to see what God does in a new friendship with an unbeliever.
I'm not exactly sure I can say this goal was fulfilled this year. God faithfully provided many opportunities to speak his name boldly in regular conversations with my friend but I know I could do better here. Much of the fruit here might be unseen at this point.
*DIE TO SELF: It has become very clear
to me that the only way God's love can flow through me to the lost and
broken is for me to surrender all of me. It is not easy. I am a work
in progress. But I am hopeful by the end of this year I will be able to
look in the mirror and see less of me and more of Him. With
disappointments, heartache, chaos, disruption, unpredictability on the
horizon my focus can not be on what I want for this day if God is going
to use me.
One of the biggest things I have learned in this area is that it is not really an attainable goal that can be measured at the end of the year. It is a daily effort that I have to work hard at but the result is always fruitful.
*PRAY: We spent 2011 learning to pray
for the needs of others. We were overwhelmed to watch God work and
answer prayers in his timing. Our faith was strengthened. Each morning
we would open up our journal and lift up the names of so many people in
our lives. Extended family, local friends, far away friends, our
church. Over the months new names/needs would be added. God worked in
many who didn't even know we were praying. He was faithful to show us
more than once what He was doing. With a little perspective, we have
come to realize we let our own family's prayer needs fall by the wayside
without intention this past year. Is it possible we have been offering
up other people's Isaac's and holding tight to our own? 2012 will be
about learning to pray for ourselves very specifically. To pray for
each other's hearts and weaknesses. To see God work in our marriage.
To witness more transformation as he answers each prayer in his timing.
We will still be praying for you all, but we are putting our names
higher on the prayer priority list with a sense of urgency. We expect
we will be praying a lot more this year. I guess that is how you learn
to abide in Christ and He in you.
We have definitely learned how to pray for our immediate family's physical, emotional and spiritual needs this year. But we also learned something new on the topic. It is hard to want to pray for/with someone when you feel disconnected from them in the moment. We want God to reign in our marriage even when we don't feel like being around each other and that has taken some practice. Praying more intentionally for the needs of our own family has bound us together in a deeper way this year.
*SERVE: I want to be willing to be used by God in our church and community however would best bring him glory.
We have gotten more involved in our church this year. We have committed indefinitely to serve in the toddler nursery once a month. It has allowed us to stake out some of the younger families in our Body which has been a bonus. My Love volunteered to travel with a team from our church after Thanksgiving to New Jersey. They helped muck out homes after Hurricane Sandy. He continues to be an example to our family of having a true servant's heart and I hope to better follow his lead in this area in the new year. We were certified to become foster parents in our county this year after an eight week training and a home visit. We continue to wait for a placement and remain available to be used by God in this way when his timing is right. God has asked me to be more available to friendships in my community and that has probably been the biggest reason for the lack of blogging in recent months. We see opportunities for serving people in our local community more in the new year.
*HOSPITALITY: I want our home to be
open to any and every one who might need a place to stay/eat/live. We
honestly believe he gave us this house for his good purpose and we want
the doors to be open to all at a moment's notice. I guess I should
learn how to be a better house keeper too then. *sigh* A bigger house
means more work for me. Cleaning does not make me jump for joy,
people. I can think of 100 other things I would rather do. But I want
our house to be available to be used by God at any time which means
clutter needs to be addressed and bathrooms need to be maintained.
Perhaps I will learn to love cleaning for his glory. How did this
bullet point turn into doing house work? Is My Love reading this?
Let's move on.
I wouldn't say my love for housecleaning has increased. Or that I clean any more often. But I do feel as if I have been more eager to open my home at a moment's notice when an opportunity arises. That sometimes means kid clutter and dog-hair bunnies and dirty dishes piled on the kitchen counter much too long, but fellowship still happens here and we love welcoming people in. Friends and family from near and far are welcome.
*READ: I need to make more time to
read. As an adult, I have learned how to get lost in a book and I hope
the new year allows for more opportunities to do that. Once again this
brings focus to prioritizing better. With the addition of foster
children, many things at the bottom of the list will be sacrificed. Our
marriage, children, home, friendships, prayer, loving, serving,
blogging, and reading seem to be the only things worth preserving. Kind
of freeing actually.
It took me a while to realize how much reading I actually did this year. More than usual. I did three devotional studies. One with our women's Bible study (Enhancing Your Marriage by Judy Rossi). One with our Life Group (Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas). One with my sister via Skype (James: Mercy Triumphs by Beth Moore). I also did A LOT of reading about foster care through the library. Many, many educational and factual books about the System as well as books written by former foster children (The Lost Boy and A Man Named Dave both by David Pelzer, Castaway Kid by R.B. Miller) and foster parents (Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison). It consumed my down time for several months and I am thankful for all the information I was able to glean through the broad library resources. And after two years, I finally got an opportunity to read Hope Unseen by Scotty Smiley whose brother is a friend of ours. It is his written experience of becoming the first blind active duty solider and all that God did in and through him because of it. I highly recommend it. I also read Kisses From Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption by Katie Davis while traveling to see family. It was definitely an inspiring tear-jerker.
*DATE: Enough said.
We did do better about dates this year but they didn't actually look the way you might think. Because our Life Group meets every other Friday evening, we hired a babysitter so we could participate. We managed to sneak away for date on a few special occasions but it looks like 2013 might prove to be the best year for our dating life. With new-old friends moving to the area in early December, we have already had the chance to swap babysitting each other's kids for free. Oh yes. I could see this being a very good arrangement indeed.
*LOVE: I want to learn to love how Christ loves. To see others through his eyes.
Another work in progress that needs reminding.
*SALVATION: We are praying for many to
come to know Jesus as their Savior and Lord. May this be the year that
the Holy Spirit opens their eyes and hearts of those we have been
lifting to Him. Will you join us by praying with confident expectation
for the lost that God has put in your lives?
Our prayers are continually lifted on the behalf of many loved ones. He is Sovereign. His timing is perfect and complete.
*BOUNDARIES: With all this serving and
hospitality we have learned some very important lessons. We need
boundaries. We need firm priorities that are not affected by constant
changes in the wind and rain of the storms coming. This is a time
sensitive goal. With every long term house guest has come opportunities
to learn this concept. God has been good to show us this need before
the abnormal becomes normal. With boundaries and structure in
priorities the unexpected that will fall in our laps will be less likely
to blow us down. We choose to cling to our foundation and each other.
Their can be peace in the chaos. We choose to abide...and create
boundaries.
With My Love's lengthy stay home we had lots of opportunities to practice boundaries with our time and priorities. We have learned that good communication helps this goal tremendously. As well as understanding the overall mission of our family.
*EDUCATION: I REALLY want Brother to be
in some kind of structured pre-K kind of schooling at home. He is more
than ready and I know if he has something in place the unpredictable
days ahead will be less stressful for him...and me. (temporary note:
this Saturday is a homeschool gathering at our new church. Perhaps this
goal will be well underway sooner than I think)
Brother has been thriving since April with the kindergarten curriculum we have chosen for him this year. We have created a good routine for schooling at home and it has been such a blessing for our entire family this year. So far so good.
*STUDY: My Love and I would like to do a
Bible/book study together this year. It has been a few years since we
have done something like this. I am hopeful it will open doors for
better communication and deepen our connection. We are both really
excited to see what God will teach us together. Have any book
suggestions?
Our communication, connection, and understanding of each other continues to grow whenever we have a chance to do a study together. Thankful that this year included several.
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And that is about it folks.
After a week with no computer charger (which included a husband out of town for the weekend), I am surprised I didn't jump at the chance to verbally vomit on you all. Is it still considered verbal if you are reading my typed words? In any case I haven't felt inspired about anything in particular. There has been a lot on my mind and the daily life sure keeps me from sitting still for too long.
At first I was regretting the Easter candy we gave to the kids to eat at lunch time because they BOTH refused to nap. That didn't prevent me from writing two long emails while I pretended they were still sleeping in their rooms. But since they were over tired after dinner, they both willingly went to bed minutes before 7pm. No comment on whether that choice is going to come back to bite me. Like at 6am tomorrow. But now I have a little bit more of the night. My Love is reading a book on the couch adjacent to me and I am nestled in my green chair with feet propped on the ottoman and a fully charged computer battery. Get comfy, people. This is going to be a whole lot of something.
Where was I? Oh yes, class seven for our foster parent training. I get confused sometimes because they want us to be called resource parents now but have never called the children in our care resource child. That just sounds silly anyway. They want to be rid of the word foster because its negative connotation. Not sure changing the label is going to make the situation any more pleasant for the child but I digress.
So class seven was about special needs children. I never figured out if foster kids are more prone to be in special education or if the training was just to prepare us if we needed to seek out services for the child placed with us but that isn't the point. We learned a lot about all the special education services out there for every kind of need you could imagine. There is quite a broad scope and I am thankful we got a glimpse into how the state works to help even foster children get the services they need for a better education. The presenter covered issues like autism, developmental delays, emotional disability, intellectual disability, learning disability, physical disability, and speech/language impairment among others. They should probably give this training to all parents with young children. The sooner they can identify a need that requires services the quicker they can work on meeting that need. We did some fun activities to help us understand what a person with a special need might be thinking too. I can honestly say I walked away with a good understanding of how to be the voice for a foster child in our care who might show signs of having a special need.
On another note, during the class the trainer announced that we and one other couple were now approved to be resource parents to six children from 0-18 years old. Wait...what? That is right people. The state says we can have eight children as foster parents. And since we already have two (they didn't count our furry firstborn apparently) we can take as many as six more. God must have a sense of humor if he thinks we are setting up dorms of bunkbeds in the basement. I guess anything is possible. We were thrilled to learn that our home study was a success and all our other paperwork and references came through. The trainer even went out of her way to speak to me before the class started to say how much she enjoyed her visit at our home. God is going to do big things people and it might blow our socks off.
We did a little something special for my friend and babysitter on her last night watching the kids this past Tuesday. She is off RVing (apparently not a word?) with her family up to New York City for Spring Break. Lucky. I remember the first time we went out to lunch together and I asked her if she would join us on this journey. That meal was covered in prayer by a few good friends. Eight weeks seemed like a big commitment to ask of a married mother of two (in middle school and high school). There were some snags along the way. Allergies, colds, and vomit (which I canceled so she wouldn't get our germs). And then there was the time her son sliced his hand with an exact-o knife and she was at the ER pretty much up until she came to tuck my kiddos into bed. The enemy has tried hard to prevent her from being here but we have been praying through this whole process for her. She was faithful to show up with her daughter every time and were so blessed by that. She jokes that she will just have to come over and put them to bed every once in awhile so she can get her little kid fix. By all means come on down. It is amazing how quickly eight weeks just flew by. This is not the end of our interactions with my friend. I am excited to see what God does in our relationship.
We have one more week of training left. Thanks for your continued prayers as we come to the end of the chapter of foster parent classes.
That is it for now.
Bye.
Last night was another foster resource parent training class. The topic was mental health and was really interesting. The speaker shared six of the most common mental disorders that we might see in foster children: 1) ADHD 2) Pediatric Bipolar Disorder 3) Dysthymia (a type of depression) 4) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 5) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 6) Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I felt like I was sitting in Taylor Hall taking a psych class. Although some of the mental disorders talked about can be caused by a traumatic/chaotic home life, there are others that aren't related to circumstances at all. Half of the time was spent on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and I asked the most questions. This very topic was brought to my attention a few days ago by a loved one and I was thankful for God's timing in providing helpful information to pass on.
One of the toughest parts about sitting in class with professionals who have dealt with the foster care system for some time is hearing the stories of patients. There are some really messed up people out there. Can you imagine using your child to help you break into homes? Or killing a person in front of a child? It is haunting how long mental problems can plague a person after witnessing or participating in a traumatic event. Oh but for the grace of God!
Someone brought up the same news magazine program I saw several months ago when we were just starting this journey. It was about how foster children tend to be over medicated. It troubled me back then to think that I might have to give drugs to a child who maybe didn't really need them. The news show supported the angle that the state just doesn't want to deal with any deep issues a foster child might have so they drug everyone in the system. I am not sure that was completely accurate (thankfully). There is some really hard stuff out there that kids go through. It sounds like Medicaid does a "good" job getting kids the help that they need. So much so that this professional said that some parents give up their children to be in foster care so they can get the mental health services that they need and are unable to afford on their own. Mental disorders can be hereditary. So sometimes the issues that might cause/trigger a parent to have their children put into foster care in the first place might be passed down biologically.
A foster parent can be a huge help in documenting a child's mental health growth. The presenter last night said even if a child is in therapy for three years that only equates to 150 hours of time in treatment. Not much can be accomplished in a one hour session once a week. Foster parents can be an important part of the team to help a child get the help they need.
I didn't make it to our fifth foster training class. Babydoll had been sick on Sunday and Monday. I decided to stay home with her so as not to expose our willing baby sitter/friend to any lingering germs. Unfortunately I was up barfing half the night myself so it is good that I stayed here. My Love came home and gave me a brief synopsis while I writhed in stomach pain on the couch. I am hoping he will repeat it at a time when my mind is clearer. Thanks for praying weekly for our class time.
God is always good.
I am sure if I had a chance to share here last night you would have been vomited on with information. His timing is always perfect. We are halfway finished with our eight week training course to become foster parents. We learn more each week and are thankful for this time to prepare for reality.
Yesterday was a veteran resource (the up-and-coming name to replace "foster" because of it negative association) parent who shared some of her story and what to expect from the experience. She and her husband have adopted three sibling sets through the foster care system in our county. She said they started fostering while they were waiting to get pregnant naturally after five years of marriage. After awhile they realized that this was God's plan for growing their family. They now have six kids who were all once foster children. She is a rock star.
I am not going to lie. She shared some scary stuff but it was all honest and helpful. After 20 years of fostering, she was a wealth of knowledge. And since each set of kids joined her family in twos (at varying age stages) she had experience to answer all kinds of questions. There were many joys too (which could still be considered scary).
She talked about how she kept a journal. My Love wrote a note on my paper reminding me of how I did that when I was a nanny years ago. It was amazing to see how far a 7 month year old had come after two years of writing down his daily milestones for his working parents. I am excited to have evidence of the miracles God will do in the lives of the children he places with us. We will celebrate every step in growth he allows us to witness.
She boldly made a statement I needed to hear clearly. "All of the children who have ever been placed with us have been sexually abused. And I would venture to guess is you lined up 90 foster parents, 89 of them would say the same thing." We aren't talking "most" anymore. This is something we will need to expect. (cue the freaking out grandparents). In the initial introductions, we mentioned our desire to keep with birth order (there are different schools of thought on the topic). To be honest I was still open to breaking open the box we might of be putting God in if they called us with an older child (but still preschool age). This woman agreed with the plan for our family. She thought the foster child should always be the youngest in the family with natural born children present. I think that confirmation solidified our hearts on the topic.
The stories she shared about the lives her children had before they came to her were heartbreaking. One woman was planning to give her son to her girlfriend as a gift so she put her friend's last name on the birth certificate. One woman (maybe the same one?) named her son Devil and told him he had the devil in him. His birth sister was named Angel. Um...yeah that would leave some lingering issues in a person. All of her kids had issues with food. One boy in particular would ask at every meal/snack IF they would eat again. And there have been attachment issues. One of their daughters has been in their family since 3 years old and is no 11 but she said is the least attached to them as parents. "It took six months before she smiled and boy did we celebrate that first one!"
She has had the benefit of decades of years behind her with some of the older kids. She knows had they stayed in the situations they were in they would have lived very different and hard lives. She admitted that they will each have issues for the rest of their lives. It is not like a warm bed and loving parents will cure any length of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. In fact, abuse sprung up in her household between an older boy and younger girl (cue freaking out me).
But something happened last night. I took in all the information and felt completely covered in prayer. There were no tears on the ride home this time, just praising God. The woman shared what her oldest son was up to now. At 28 he was married and doing well. However he is covered in tattoos and has gauges in his ears (not that there is anything wrong with that). But she described it as an outward expression of his unworthiness and his desire to keep reinventing himself to be loved. "Nothing will ever fill that void inside him," she said. I turned and looked toward My Love agreeing that we knew the One who could. "Except God!" she added after a short pause. I let out a whisper-yell from the back-ish row, "Amen!" And that is when it hit me. Satan would like nothing else but for us to panic and worry and fill our minds with anxious thoughts about the what-ifs. I choose not to do that. I choose to think about who God is and prepare ourselves to tell each child over and over and over who He says they are. I am completely ill-equipped to deal with any of the other abuse, but I know I can share God's love with a hurting child. His love is the only thing that will heal their wounds anyway. Hey. God's love! Isn't he amazing?! I have been studying the gospel of John this week and am excited to share all he has taught me that is changing my life about how I should be loving others. See you on Sunday about that one.
When I got in the car to drive home, a song came on the radio by Brandon Health called "Your Love". I cranked up the volume obnoxiously loud for the chorus. How does he do that?
But Your love
Your love
The only thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love
I am so thankful that I know His love and am excited to share it with the children we come to know and love in our home.
Our home study is this coming Monday. Keep praying. We feel each prayer lifted on our behalf.
Last night was class two for our training to become foster parents. I continue to be amazed by how God is preparing us for something big. I am learning a lot and am equally overwhelmed and excited by how vastly our lives will change.
Like I said before, there are all different reasons people have decided to be apart of this class with us. Some are empty nesters, single women, married without children, and some have very specific situations they are pursuing (ie. fostering to adopt a niece). People ask great questions from their own perspective and it is really helpful for focusing our minds on what God has called us to in the journey ahead.
Last night we learned about the court system.
Sigh.
There is a lot going on there. I honestly wonder if social workers ever sleep. I am thankful that their caseload is lower than several years ago. It really seems like our county does a great job trying to prevent kids from entering the system in the first place. They also stick to a timeline of how long a child can stay in foster care. That is comforting. Unfortunately I was the kid asking all the number questions. They don't want to give numbers. Numbers vary and really every case is different. Knowing the numbers helps with expectations though. Sitting in a room with many other excited families (and 75 other approved foster homes in the county), how often do kids enter the system? Someone had to ask. If most kids in our county return to birth parents OR are eventually placed with relatives (which is the more likely of the two) it will help our mental preparation process. So I ask how many kids become adoptable. I hear a general agreement across the room as the answer was given. Numbers help.
By week two, I can see my mindset shifting to something more practical. But how does one train their heart? It will be helpful to focus on how God will use us, our home, and our family to provide a safe, loving place for a child to come and stay for however long he ordains. Adoption may never be an option for the growth of our family but there will always be children living here. Even if the child lives with us for a year. Eighteen months. Our minds and hearts need to be set on whatever God has laid before us. It will be helpful to our current children too. We can't be expecting forever with each placement.
I am thankful that the government can not so easily dissolve a person's parental rights. I am thankful that a timeline is in place here to prevent that process from dragging out too long. I am thankful that they look under every rock and behind every tree trying to find a relative who will take the child before they become adoptable. A child will always want their family no matter how terrible they have been treated. 80% of foster children here enter the system due to abuse or neglect. It wrenches my heart, but I am thankful that in some cases children can be reunited with birth relatives. My heart ache is the least of the pain in this process.
So we are learning how to love. Love like Christ loves the church. To love without conditions, expectations. And although this bodes well to the strengthening of a marriage and family, it also proves fruitful to prepare us for the road ahead. There will be love showered on broken children. There will be joy found in God's graces. There will be laughter and smiles. There will be miracles. And that might just have to be enough.
Our application is complete. We are ready to schedule a home study. Things are moving forward and I am excited to see what comes next in the process.
God is good!
First off let me say that our first training class to become foster resource parents went great.
OK now let me back up.
Before moving to our new home, our amazing friend M mentioned several times that her friend was a children's minister at a Baptist church in the area we would be relocating too. I met her friend and their family at one two of M's children's birthday parties and knew of their story. She and her husband adopted a sibling group of three from Ethiopia and their oldest boy was best friends with M's adopted son from Ethiopia. That is right, people. God moved these children from the same orphanage where they were best friends in the same small town in an African country to the same area in the USA. Isn't he amazing? Needless to say, I have heard several stories about this family over the past year. We decided to visit another church once moving here which quickly became our church home so we never had a chance to visit the church M's friend goes to.
Her name came up again once we started this journey. M mentioned that her friend had a great working relationship with the social services in our county and did many workshops through their church to encourage foster parenting and adoption within their church body. Since I was already in touch with her friend's contact on my own I didn't make any connections.
Fast forward.
Are you lost yet?
God moves fast.
Of the two dozen people who were in attendance last night, HALF of them (I'm talking six families) came from M's friend's church. Seriously. Once the first couple mentioned it, couple after couple openly repeated that they went to that church. That is right, people. Over the next couple of months we will be growing a support system with other Christian families. I wanted to cry right there.
The dynamics of the group were surprising. Four families were empty-nesters. Two couples were young with no children. A few mentioned previously adopting. Some were current foster parents. And one guy (and his wife who was not present) had adopted a sibling set in California four years again when they recently got a phone call saying the birth mother of their children had another child and asked if they wanted it. He was going through the process in our state to foster that baby until they could adopt it so their children could be with their sibling. There were several single woman. Some who only wanted to foster teenagers.
It was eye-opening. It seems God calls all kinds of people to do all kinds of thing for his glory.
The class was very informative in a helpful and overwhelming kind of way. We both came away from the first class even more excited about the journey ahead and open to whatever God has in store for us.
We were able to turn in our application last night. The instructor said she will be able to start processing paperwork within the week. Finger prints are next week. Then soon will be the home study (which we heard--from others who have gone through the process elsewhere--was super invasive but learned yesterday might actually be harmless). When that is completed, we should be able to qualify to receive a placement call BEFORE the end of our training. That would be interesting. I guess technically we could bring a lap child (with approval) on our family vacation to see relatives...
We learned some helpful statistics last night that will help direct our prayers for what God might be preparing for us. There are more foster homes in our county than there are children who need homes (which is a good thing!). The average length of stay is 12 months. The percentage of kids in the age range we were hoping for is very low, like 2%. God might have other plans for us. We will just have to wait and see.
I will admit I was getting anxious about leaving the kids yesterday afternoon for the training class. Brother actually cried after nap not wanting me to leave him. That is SO not his temperament. I bribed him with left over peanut butter cake to eat with my friend (who ended up bringing her daughter) and he quickly got over his tears in a jiffy. Maybe he was still waking up? In any case I needed him to be strong for his sister because I was more worried about leaving Babydoll. We have gone out before but it has usually been after putting her down to bed. I am not sure a sitter has ever put her to bed. I gave Brother the one responsibility of singing her night-night song to her. He obliged. I have no idea why I was so anxious about it. I totally trust my friend. I guess I just didn't want my Bundles to give her a hard time. Breathe. Of course everything went fine.
Well God was faithful to send texts from THREE of my favorite J friends in the hour before my class. I felt their prayers and appreciated their encouragement. Thanks girls of California, Tennessee and Florida. You are gifts in my life! Not to mention the sweet card I got in the mailbox from one of those J's just before my friend arrived to watch the kids. And the drawing and letter from our sponsored child in Nicaragua that came in the same pile of mail.
God is more than enough, people.
One class down, seven more to go! We are doing this.
