we're all good

I know it has been too long between blog posts when I get concerned "How are you doing?" messages.  Answer?  Great!  The sun is shining and our family has been spending a good portion of our days outdoors enjoying God's creation (and our new swing set in the backyard).  We feel like we are back into a comfortable routine around here after traveling and it feels rather sweet.  I am homeschooling Brother in the near empty basement now and that seems to be helping with the elimination of distractions (aka toys).  Babydoll loves sitting in her desk while coloring right next to Brother.  She jumps right in with what we are learning and I am having a fun time teaching them.  Our days have become more structured and peaceful.  We are enjoying every moment of our days with these two precious gifts from God.  Even the ones spent correcting the endless phrases that start with "I want" and the whining that comes after every instruction.  Sigh.  Theses are the days of our lives and we are filled with joy to be their parents.


We have heard nothing from foster care.  In some ways that feels like a good thing.  We continue to pray for the children that may one day come to live with us but for now God has them right where they need to be.  It feels pretty strange to be waiting on something that we don't know will ever happen.  You start asking yourself what could have been God's plan for all of this if in the end we would never be foster parents.  I know, dramatic, huh?  But really, he doesn't owe us anything.  All we know at this point is that he gave us this house to use for his glory, he called us to obediently follow him into foster parent training, and now he is asking us to wait.  Most people start paining walls in their house while they are waiting, right?  Last night we got the entry painted and My Love picked up another gallon to get started on the office.  Swatches for the bedrooms have been looked over as well.  While we wait we will paint.

I will say though that more than ever I feel an aching for our home to be bustling with people.  Brother set the table one day and put My Love and me at either ends of the table while Brother and Babydoll Sissy sat on one side together .  The two empty chairs on the other side were loudly empty.  Somehow the topic was brought up over dinner and I told brother that those two chairs could be reserved for whomever God would have come to live with us someday.  He looked around the house and noticed that we had many more chairs for kids to fill.  "And we have the bench too," I said.  "We could fill it up with hineys (sp?)!"  Brother burst into laughter at the mention of rears lined up at the table eating dinner with us but somehow I envision that scenario.  The other day I read two references to the miracle the Jesus did of feeding the five thousand (once in my God Calling devotional and later that day in Brother's school curriculum).  I am ready to give God whatever is in my hands (and house and heart...) for God to multiple abundantly for his glory.  We don't know what God has planned ahead for us but while we are waiting he is planting in our hearts a deeper desire for whatever it may be.


In the mean time we are going about our days trying our best to live in a way that pleases Him.  Thank you to all the people that have been praying for the recent trial we have been walking through with loved ones.  There has not been a conclusion yet but God has been working in all of our hearts and good will come of it.  My only regret is that I didn't read the first email and choose then to be thankful to God for whatever was before me.  He is always good.  I am learning a lot and will share more soon.


So don't be worried if there is another gap between posts.  It just means that we are soaking up the rays of God's glory and enjoying every moment (of toddler shrieking) that we have been given.  Time to keep waiting...and painting.

the stuff you use

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess,
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
Might not be what I would choose
But this the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world


-Francesca Battistelli

sun and moon

Every other song on the radio today seems to have lyrics that include the sun and moon.  After counting His graces early last year, I have come to appreciate God's amazing beauty poured out in love for me in countless ways.  

The last two weeks I have been teaching Bundle Brother about the sun and moon.  God is so amazing that he gave us light to break through the darkness.  He made our world to revolve around the Sun and the moon to reflect its light.  I am humbled by His words seemingly whispering to me in love letters.  Go out and say goodnight moon before you fall asleep and may it remind you of God's incredible creation.  Lord may we accurately reflect your light to this lost world.


I'm giving my life to the only One who makes the moon reflect the sun.
Every starry night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause He is everything
'Cause He is everything

-Starry Night by Chris August

perfect silence, self-control

I realized this morning that I read this two days ago.


"What joy follows self-conquest!  You cannot conquer and control others, either of you, until you have completely conquered yourself.  Can you see yourselves absolutely unmoved?  Think of Me before the mocking soldiers, being struck, spat upon, and answered never a word--never a word.  Try to see that as Divine Power.  Remember by that Power of perfect silence, perfect self-control, you can alone prove your right to govern.  Never judge.  The heart of man is so delicate, so complex, only its Maker can know it.  Each heart is so different, actuated by different motives, controlled by different circumstances, influenced by different sufferings.  How can one judge another?  Leave to Me the unraveling of the puzzles of life.  Leave to Me the teaching of understanding.  Bring each heart to Me, its Maker, and leave it with Me.  Secure in the certainty that all that is wrong I can set right."    -God Calling, May 13

before we can see the other side

We lied in bed tonight taking turns praying out loud in the dark.  (Of course I can't sleep now.)  My heart was weighing heavy with hurt and my mind was racing with all the words I wish I could say.  Tears came bursting out as I spoke to My Lord while being held in My Love's arms.  It is not about a fracturing earthly relationship anymore.  God wants my attention and he has it fully.  It feels incredibly convicting to know that you are NOT being the Love of Jesus to even one person. Should I be consumed with hurt feelings and questioning the heart of the messenger to justify my selfishness further?  I choose to seek the face of God instead.  I hear messages of "wait on me" and "be calm" but I guess there was more to be said on the other end in a second email.  Perhaps to get to the sweetness that God has planned for our relationship in the future it will have to hurt more before we can see the other side.  I choose to trust.  Please pray for me/us as I wait on the Lord this week.  I will be studying James 1 in depth and wherever God leads me from there.  I am struggling with hurt and anger but I know God has me right where he wants me and he desires for me to surrender those feelings to him. 

 

The tears started coming while praying tonight when I recalled our Lord being accused before the Sanhedrin.  They would spit on him and beat him beyond recognition before My Lord would die for MY sin.  He was silent through much of his suffering.

 

Matthew 27:12-14 (NLT)

¹² But when the leading priests and the elders made their accusations against him, Jesus remained silent. ¹³ “Don’t you hear all these charges they are bringing against you?” Pilate demanded. ¹⁴ But Jesus made no response to any of the charges, much to the governor’s surprise.

 

Isaiah 53:7 (NLT)

⁷ He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth.

The least I can do is lie still in the Shepherd's hands for awhile and wait for him to open my mouth so only words from My Father come rushing out.  That's the hope any way.

Breathe.

B-I-B-L-E

I have been thinking a lot lately about our flight home after visiting family recently.  Babydoll was by the window in her car seat.  I was in the middle chair and Bundle Brother took up the aisle on this leg of the trip.  My sister sat in the seat directly behind him.  In the row just ahead of us and adjacent to Brother sat a nine year old boy.  He was very talkative and kind.  He and my Bundle hit it off early in the flight.  The boy sat next to his Mom and four year old sister.  The girls had thicker accents and went in and out of speaking English and something else with one another.  The boy didn't interact much with his family. 


The boy introduced himself giving an Indian name that was hard to understand and immediately followed up with, "But you can call me A-Jax!"  Brother was puzzled by this name but went on to share his name and then adding, "But you can call me B-Jax!"  My sister and I laughed quietly.


The boys shared snacks and talked about super heroes and Star Wars and their favorite toys back at home.  I am not sure Brother has had such a running conversation with another kid before.  Perhaps the captive audience was to his benefit.  He didn't even seem aware that I was there unless A-Jax asked him about a movie or TV show that Brother had never heard of before.  "Mom, have I seen Harry Potter?" he asked.  I lowered my book and answered with confidence, "No."  He relayed the answer to his new friend whose nick name he kept forgetting.

At one point Brother started singing the B-I-B-L-E song over and over again.  I had taught it to him the week before in school.  He rambled off each line.  The boy across the aisle spelled out the letters in his head and then said to himself,

"Bible?  What's a Bible?"

I was stunned to say the least.  Thinking back I probably should have said something, ANYTHING (I know KB would have) but I wasn't involved in their conversation.  I should have said that it was the Word of God and that it tells the story of why we need a Savior and that his name is Jesus and he loves YOU.  But really I couldn't believe the look on his face.  I wasn't afraid of offending his Mom or anything, I just was really that surprised by the whole thing.  How does he not know what the Bible is?  I mean, I guess Brother doesn't know what the Quaran is?  I just assumed though that everyone in America at least knows what the Bible is and chooses to believe it or not.  I would assume that most Americans have not read it in its entirety but they at least have heard of the book before.

I am pretty sure my mouth was hanging open behind my book that I was pretending to read while listening to their conversation.  The boys went on to talk about something else.  I was thankful in that moment that the Lord stirred my social four year old to sing a song about the Bible with all boldness repeatedly on an airplane.  I never dreamed God would use it to speak the name of his Holy Scripture for the first time to the listening ears of a nine-year old boy of Indian decent.

God keeps bringing it to mind.  We are to be the light of the world.  People are supposed to see our actions and hear our words and see and hear Jesus Christ if he lives in us.  I can not longer be so naive to think everyone in the States knows and and some just choose not to follow.  No.  Some, many really don't know.

My life is forever changed. 

another place at the table

Did you like my writer's version of drunk dialing?  I guess that is what you get when I decide to publish a post written while experiencing an extreme emotion.  Never fear though.  The Lord is greater than I and has infinite power to remove even the most heavy of burdens.  It is well with my soul.

 On a completely unrelated note (how'd you like that smooth transition?), I have been doing some foster parenting related reading while we wait.  I read a couple memoir types written by adults who grew up in The System many years ago.  But this new book has been even more educational and intriguing.  It is called "Another Place at the Table: a story of shattered childhoods redeemed by love" by Kathy Harrison.  It is written
from her perspective after being a foster parent for 13 years.  

I wanted to share a couple quotes from her book just for my own knowledge and reference. 

"...the phone woke me up at midnight.  The voice on the other end of the receiver was annoyingly bright and chipper, oblivious to my groggy state.  He needed a place for a baby boy.  Could I help?  "A ten-month-old? Sure.  Bring him over.  I'll leave the light on."  By this time, havoc had become somewhat routine.  Bruce slept through the phone call and all of my hurried preparations, which I managed to make without fully waking up.  I pulled out the small crib and set up in our den, then found a clean sleeper and a few diapers.  Last, I made up a bottle and curled up in front of the fire in the living room to wait.  What can I say about waiting for a baby?  It is a bit like being in labor.  Excitement laced with worry, that sense of not being prepared.  The questions are one part of fostering that has never changed for me.  What in heaven's name have I gotten myself into?  What if I can't do it?  Suppose the baby screams all night or gets sick?  Suppose I do the wrong thing and make things worse?  What if I love him and lose him or, worse, what if I don't?" -pg. 16

"It comes as no surprise that finding families willing to open their doors to the rigors of foster parenting is so hard.  Fostering means knowing about things most of us would prefer to forget.  It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough.  It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end.  It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again." -pg. 50

Good stuff, right?  I have busted through this great (and disturbing) read in a couple of days and are excited to read more like it.  There is a lot to glean from the wisdom of people who have walked this journey before us.

Next on my end table to start reading? "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Keck and Kupecky.  Fun times.