We are going through a rough patch around here. Normally I like to read comments so I can know I have been heard by someone out there. But not today. Today you will not be able to comment. Today the words just come from me for me.
God continues to do amazing things in spite of us. He is confirming his call on our lives from all angles and we are moving forward on the same page faster than we ever have on a single issue before. It is like God is posing the same questions in each of our hearts regarding foster parenting and adopting and answering them in the same way faster than we can bounce the topic off each other. Life is moving in hyper speed and we are lagging behind.
I am struggling internally with the Lord. Such a strange feeling to KNOW completely what God's will is for your life and yet doubt it 100%. I started to regret sharing any information here. "If I hadn't opened my mouth maybe we could just stop all of this and pretend like none of it happened," I thought. The cat is out of the bag now isn't it? Why do I always do that? Make these big announcements about all God is going to do before I have my seat belt buckled. He knew I would do it and he knew I would feel this way about it. I guess I am thankful I wrote about our desire to foster so you would all pray for us. Part of me wonders if I will really write much more on the topic until it becomes a lot more real. But who am I kidding? If it is on my mind and heart than God put it there for a reason. I just hesitate to drag you all along on this rough journey with us. I am sure one or two of you might even think we are crazy. Then pray for us harder.
Even though we know we would never want to "pretend like none of this happened" the voice of fears and unknowns are growing in my head. A voice that I know is not of the Lord and yet I choose to listen for awhile just to have a practical stand point.
Oh Lord, I REALLY don't think my heart will be able to handle this. The stories we have heard have been difficult to hear. 8 month old twins staring up at their foster parents confused because they had hardly ever been held before. Kids with filing cabinets full of records on all they have been through. Oh Lord, please send someone to adopt them. Letting a child into your life and family for a whole year before they were returned to their birth family. "If I did it again I would draw better lines between our kids and the foster kids. After awhile you just forget that there is a difference," a new friend told us. Sending a child back into a situation you know is bad and may never hear from again. You know...the kind of stories that come with talking to others who have walked the road with the Lord and spur you to action and yet make you afraid to even give your heart to be used by God at all. Somehow knowing it is going to hurt just makes it harder.
Oh Lord, the Enemy keeps telling me my marriage and family will not be able to handle this. Strengthen us Lord. I stand in awe at how you had birthed this in My Love's heart years before me. How you have spoken to us directly and clearly in the same way about every issue regarding fostering/adopting in the last two weeks. Each confirmation is another I-Love-You from my Lord and yet I listen to the lies...or rather worldly realities. Self is creeping in and more than ever it feels like we NEED to plant our feet in a sold cement foundation three inches from each other. The storms will be coming and Satan is quick to tell us our house of cards will come crashing down. So we dive in head first to the Word seeking to know it more now than ever.
But even with the threat of heartache and family stress, the pain we feel waiting is compounding. How is it possible this only came about two weeks ago? Oh but of course it didn't. God wrote it before the beginning of time and has been whispering his plan to us along the road of our lives. We can not wait to get started. Every time we think about our little babes being out there somewhere our hearts break a little more. Bring them quickly Lord.
I don't feel strong enough for this journey and yet that is exactly the point.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
hold on tight
It is going to be a wild ride.
God showed up yesterday. After posting here, a friend who is currently involved in the adoption process sent me a text about a possible opportunity in our state.
I lost my breathe. I mean, we weren't ready for this. It is too soon. We weren't planning on disrupting the birth order. We hadn't talked about some important logistics yet...like was adoption imminent or were we content just fostering. What was God planning?
We won't be adopting quite yet but God used that message to communicate something very important to us.
IT IS NOT ABOUT US!
and...
WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE PREPARED FOR GOD TO MOVE QUICKLY!
Breathe.
"Is it bad to put guidelines on what we are willing to accept from the Lord?" Adam asked me.
We are praying. Praying for this boy who needs a family. Praying that God would prepare our hearts for whatever he has planned for us. Praying for wisdom and discernment about what would be best for our other children during this phase of their childhood as more opportunities arise.
I contacted our county yesterday. They are sending me some info through the mail. We live in the northside of our city which is technically in a different county. By God's design I'm sure. We were told we could foster in any county, but I think we will start in our place of residence first.
This is really happening. And probably faster than we think.
Exhale.
We won't be adopting quite yet but God used that message to communicate something very important to us.
IT IS NOT ABOUT US!
and...
WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE PREPARED FOR GOD TO MOVE QUICKLY!
Breathe.
"Is it bad to put guidelines on what we are willing to accept from the Lord?" Adam asked me.
We are praying. Praying for this boy who needs a family. Praying that God would prepare our hearts for whatever he has planned for us. Praying for wisdom and discernment about what would be best for our other children during this phase of their childhood as more opportunities arise.
I contacted our county yesterday. They are sending me some info through the mail. We live in the northside of our city which is technically in a different county. By God's design I'm sure. We were told we could foster in any county, but I think we will start in our place of residence first.
This is really happening. And probably faster than we think.
Exhale.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
a call to action
God is doing some big things. So big that we feel a tad bit overwhelmed to have a front row seat to all His power. In some ways I feel like I have had blinders on until this very moment in time when God decided to use his Holy Spirit to reveal a little more of his plan for my life.
I sat in church weeping before the service even began. You see, My Love and I had talked about possibly visiting a different church today. We had been to this one twice before and had been praying whether or not this was the church home that God wanted us to settle in to. We decided to come back for a third time this morning when God met us right there in the fourth row after the first worship song.
Let me back up. Last week at the same church, a couple shared some of their story in honor of Orphan Sunday. They had mentioned that in the coming weeks other families in the church would be sharing too so it wasn't just talked about one day out of the year and then forgotten. They were passionate about God's call on their lives and that of the Christian church to care for orphans.
I sat there and listened and for the first time I thought that this might actually be an option for our family.
Huh?
It was like a light switch was flipped on and the blindfold was removed. The Holy Spirit was alive in that moment and my mind and heart were flipping through experiences like a Rolodex of how God had been planting seeds along the way. Suddenly I looked around at a pile of puzzle pieces I didn't even know went together. My heart tugged.
On the car ride home I mentioned my enlightenment to My Love. He was surprised that I had never considered it before because he had. You see, we have been praying for three families closely who are pursuing adoption for multiple reasons. It has been a miracle to be a part of the prayer support just to watch God do amazing things. Two families we know are still waiting on their children while one is expecting a third addition soon. No where in that process of praying had I even thought about adoption for us. It was fine for them but we were happy with our little two-child-predictable-easy-to-manage family.
If you know me then you know that My Love and I have been announcing for a few years now that we only want two kids. Two kids. We have seen lots of people have a third and all chaos breaks loose. Two seems good. Two seems doable. We could better afford two. We could better parent two. Two was enough and we were thankful to have our two beautiful healthy children.
But then something happened that I wasn't expecting. God told me to surrender that to Him as my Shepherd too. By me telling him what I could handle I wasn't trusting him with everything. My heart changed. Suddenly I wanted what God wanted for our family. He started growing a desire in my heart for more children. Maybe one, maybe two more. I would look in the back seat of the car and think there are faces missing. I was ready to try again. My Love was not as interested. Two was still good for him. I stepped back and told him that I was content with our Bundles and that God would have to change My Love's heart toward wanting more before I pressured him into the idea.
Last Sunday, I started thinking that maybe the desire God had been growing in my heart the past few months was not for me to birth more children but that we would adopt more. The need was not to be pregnant again. It was just to have a bigger family.
Breathe.
I tried to let this new idea sink in. We have been exposed to the idea of adoption by many angles for years now. A family at our old church adopted 6 of their 8 children. A guy My Love works with has been a foster parent and pursued unsuccessful adoption many times. My brother-in-law is a Child Advocate and spent some of his childhood in the System. We have prayed and prayed for A and M all the way in Ethiopia and were blessed to watch them get off the plane here and step into their new forever family. We have seen them grow and thrive in the care of their loving Christian home. A college girlfriend adopted two kids and fostered two more while in the process of adopting them as well. We have been surrounded by it and yet the Spirit never let it in to my heart until now.
Last Monday we were on a two hour road trip to attend a retirement ceremony for a friend (who adopted teenagers and fostered many) when I brought up the topic with My Love again. Somehow through that discussion we decided that perhaps foster care might be a good place to start. We had some fears and thought maybe we would foster a child and realize this wasn't for us. It was a good way to get our feet wet. It seemed like the plans were being made for us though. Since we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into neither one of us wanted to commit to it 100% but knew we had to pursue it.
My heart started racing. My friend's words were ringing in my ear. She told me not to be surprised if God started moving boldly and quickly once we began praying. Having been a part of her journey with adoption I kind of knew what she meant but not completely until now. The very thought of just possibly fostering children with the intention of adoption made my heart heavy. I am talking like a sense of urgency that I have never felt. Just the idea of any hypothetical children in our family being alive and on this earth at this moment just brings me to my knees in prayer for them. I am not kidding when I say this whole idea has just snowballed so quickly and yet has been perfectly orchestrated in His timing.
I hopped online later in the week and did a little research about fostering in our county. It got me thinking. What if God moved us to this house for a child who is out there and needs a home?
Tears.
Maybe the "person with a need" that we have been praying for that God would use our house to bless is another child. Or lots of children.
Tears.
I am overwhelmed. My heart is literally heavy.
I have made plans to talk to my old college friend who I have lost complete contact with (even though we are Facebook friends) but I have watched God grow her family through adoption. I am excited to hear her perspective on the foster care system.
The guy My Love works with who has fostered and pursued adoption is supposed to come over for dinner with his family in the coming weeks. You can bet we will be picking his brain.
This morning we both woke up after a night of poor rest for both of us for no apparent reason. My Love asked me if I had an opinion about where we would go to church today. Maybe we chose to return again out of laziness but like I said we came back for the third Sunday. While praying together this AM we asked God to make it clear to us if this Body is where he wants us to be. We sang the first song and then there were a few announcements before a couple took to the stage.
The topic of their talk today? Foster care.
I should have known God would show up and confirm what he was clearly calling us to do through his Holy Spirit. I guess I just didn't expect it to come so quickly and loudly. The tears came with every word that was written and read specifically by God with us in mind. His power overwhelms me.
We had an amazing conversation after church with the couple who shared their story of foster parenting and international adoption. A HUGE blessing. They have nine children.
There are some life decisions you think about and ponder and weigh the pros and cons. And then there are other choices you make that make you feel like if you don't do it right now you will be disobeying God.
How can I wait? My child might be out there. Maybe today he is being born.
A couple weeks ago, Bundle Brother put a pair of little boy shoes in our shopping cart and said, "These are for my baby brother." I laughed and said something like, "You are going to have to talk to God about that one Buddy!" Perhaps he knew something I didn't back then.
So we pray. We pray and we pray and we pray. I have thought about my two pregnancies and how each baby has been safely protected inside my womb until God chose to add them to our family. We prayed for their development and birth and future. This feels all together different. There is so much to pray over. We are praying for God's timing in all things. Bring them quickly Lord. Fill this big house with your children.
Sniff.
There is another side to all of this. Some children that we foster will be returned to their birth families. The couple we talked to today said they have fostered some for a weekend and others for up to one year before they were taken away, The road will be hard and painful and full of heartache but we are eager to walk down it. For before we told God what we could handle (two is good Lord), and now we are trusting him with it all. Our hearts and all he has given us to bless the lives of as many children as he wants.
I worry that I will want to adopt them all. My heart will need lots of prayer. We wont be able to, but I can tell you right now whoever God places in our care will have two loving "parents" who will pray for them for the rest of their lives. We will be his hands and feet for as long as they are in our home. I don't feel strong enough Lord.
During our reunion with Germany friends, someone shared the story of how her mother prayed for the future spouse of her daughter throughout her whole life. The man my friend went on to marry grew up in a home with permissive parents who had no rules and pretty much didn't care where they were or what they were doing. By God's grace, he came to know the Lord and is an amazing guy. He later said he felt prayed for growing up. That God was protecting him through out his life.
If we end up not being able to adopt any of the children we foster in the future, we will pray for them for the rest of their lives and that might have to be enough for me.
Sniff.
Okay. Still processing. Pray for us as we start this journey. We have a lot to be thankful for but the road ahead will not be easy.
I sat in church weeping before the service even began. You see, My Love and I had talked about possibly visiting a different church today. We had been to this one twice before and had been praying whether or not this was the church home that God wanted us to settle in to. We decided to come back for a third time this morning when God met us right there in the fourth row after the first worship song.
Let me back up. Last week at the same church, a couple shared some of their story in honor of Orphan Sunday. They had mentioned that in the coming weeks other families in the church would be sharing too so it wasn't just talked about one day out of the year and then forgotten. They were passionate about God's call on their lives and that of the Christian church to care for orphans.
I sat there and listened and for the first time I thought that this might actually be an option for our family.
Huh?
It was like a light switch was flipped on and the blindfold was removed. The Holy Spirit was alive in that moment and my mind and heart were flipping through experiences like a Rolodex of how God had been planting seeds along the way. Suddenly I looked around at a pile of puzzle pieces I didn't even know went together. My heart tugged.
On the car ride home I mentioned my enlightenment to My Love. He was surprised that I had never considered it before because he had. You see, we have been praying for three families closely who are pursuing adoption for multiple reasons. It has been a miracle to be a part of the prayer support just to watch God do amazing things. Two families we know are still waiting on their children while one is expecting a third addition soon. No where in that process of praying had I even thought about adoption for us. It was fine for them but we were happy with our little two-child-predictable-easy-to-manage family.
If you know me then you know that My Love and I have been announcing for a few years now that we only want two kids. Two kids. We have seen lots of people have a third and all chaos breaks loose. Two seems good. Two seems doable. We could better afford two. We could better parent two. Two was enough and we were thankful to have our two beautiful healthy children.
But then something happened that I wasn't expecting. God told me to surrender that to Him as my Shepherd too. By me telling him what I could handle I wasn't trusting him with everything. My heart changed. Suddenly I wanted what God wanted for our family. He started growing a desire in my heart for more children. Maybe one, maybe two more. I would look in the back seat of the car and think there are faces missing. I was ready to try again. My Love was not as interested. Two was still good for him. I stepped back and told him that I was content with our Bundles and that God would have to change My Love's heart toward wanting more before I pressured him into the idea.
Last Sunday, I started thinking that maybe the desire God had been growing in my heart the past few months was not for me to birth more children but that we would adopt more. The need was not to be pregnant again. It was just to have a bigger family.
Breathe.
I tried to let this new idea sink in. We have been exposed to the idea of adoption by many angles for years now. A family at our old church adopted 6 of their 8 children. A guy My Love works with has been a foster parent and pursued unsuccessful adoption many times. My brother-in-law is a Child Advocate and spent some of his childhood in the System. We have prayed and prayed for A and M all the way in Ethiopia and were blessed to watch them get off the plane here and step into their new forever family. We have seen them grow and thrive in the care of their loving Christian home. A college girlfriend adopted two kids and fostered two more while in the process of adopting them as well. We have been surrounded by it and yet the Spirit never let it in to my heart until now.
Last Monday we were on a two hour road trip to attend a retirement ceremony for a friend (who adopted teenagers and fostered many) when I brought up the topic with My Love again. Somehow through that discussion we decided that perhaps foster care might be a good place to start. We had some fears and thought maybe we would foster a child and realize this wasn't for us. It was a good way to get our feet wet. It seemed like the plans were being made for us though. Since we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into neither one of us wanted to commit to it 100% but knew we had to pursue it.
My heart started racing. My friend's words were ringing in my ear. She told me not to be surprised if God started moving boldly and quickly once we began praying. Having been a part of her journey with adoption I kind of knew what she meant but not completely until now. The very thought of just possibly fostering children with the intention of adoption made my heart heavy. I am talking like a sense of urgency that I have never felt. Just the idea of any hypothetical children in our family being alive and on this earth at this moment just brings me to my knees in prayer for them. I am not kidding when I say this whole idea has just snowballed so quickly and yet has been perfectly orchestrated in His timing.
I hopped online later in the week and did a little research about fostering in our county. It got me thinking. What if God moved us to this house for a child who is out there and needs a home?
Tears.
Maybe the "person with a need" that we have been praying for that God would use our house to bless is another child. Or lots of children.
Tears.
I am overwhelmed. My heart is literally heavy.
I have made plans to talk to my old college friend who I have lost complete contact with (even though we are Facebook friends) but I have watched God grow her family through adoption. I am excited to hear her perspective on the foster care system.
The guy My Love works with who has fostered and pursued adoption is supposed to come over for dinner with his family in the coming weeks. You can bet we will be picking his brain.
This morning we both woke up after a night of poor rest for both of us for no apparent reason. My Love asked me if I had an opinion about where we would go to church today. Maybe we chose to return again out of laziness but like I said we came back for the third Sunday. While praying together this AM we asked God to make it clear to us if this Body is where he wants us to be. We sang the first song and then there were a few announcements before a couple took to the stage.
The topic of their talk today? Foster care.
I should have known God would show up and confirm what he was clearly calling us to do through his Holy Spirit. I guess I just didn't expect it to come so quickly and loudly. The tears came with every word that was written and read specifically by God with us in mind. His power overwhelms me.
We had an amazing conversation after church with the couple who shared their story of foster parenting and international adoption. A HUGE blessing. They have nine children.
There are some life decisions you think about and ponder and weigh the pros and cons. And then there are other choices you make that make you feel like if you don't do it right now you will be disobeying God.
How can I wait? My child might be out there. Maybe today he is being born.
A couple weeks ago, Bundle Brother put a pair of little boy shoes in our shopping cart and said, "These are for my baby brother." I laughed and said something like, "You are going to have to talk to God about that one Buddy!" Perhaps he knew something I didn't back then.
So we pray. We pray and we pray and we pray. I have thought about my two pregnancies and how each baby has been safely protected inside my womb until God chose to add them to our family. We prayed for their development and birth and future. This feels all together different. There is so much to pray over. We are praying for God's timing in all things. Bring them quickly Lord. Fill this big house with your children.
Sniff.
There is another side to all of this. Some children that we foster will be returned to their birth families. The couple we talked to today said they have fostered some for a weekend and others for up to one year before they were taken away, The road will be hard and painful and full of heartache but we are eager to walk down it. For before we told God what we could handle (two is good Lord), and now we are trusting him with it all. Our hearts and all he has given us to bless the lives of as many children as he wants.
I worry that I will want to adopt them all. My heart will need lots of prayer. We wont be able to, but I can tell you right now whoever God places in our care will have two loving "parents" who will pray for them for the rest of their lives. We will be his hands and feet for as long as they are in our home. I don't feel strong enough Lord.
During our reunion with Germany friends, someone shared the story of how her mother prayed for the future spouse of her daughter throughout her whole life. The man my friend went on to marry grew up in a home with permissive parents who had no rules and pretty much didn't care where they were or what they were doing. By God's grace, he came to know the Lord and is an amazing guy. He later said he felt prayed for growing up. That God was protecting him through out his life.
If we end up not being able to adopt any of the children we foster in the future, we will pray for them for the rest of their lives and that might have to be enough for me.
Sniff.
Okay. Still processing. Pray for us as we start this journey. We have a lot to be thankful for but the road ahead will not be easy.
Friday, November 11, 2011
a new journey
Have you seen the movie Gattaca? It stars Ethan Hawke
and Uma Thurman and is a futuristic/sci-fi. In the movie, doctors take
a blood sample of each baby at birth and are able to determine length
of life, cause of death, future health problems, and intelligence
level. Their whole life is told to them from the start. Nothing is a
surprise.
I am thankful that God didn't design us that way. Our Creator knows before we take our first breath all that we will do and be. But by his grace and our faith in his will, He slowly reveals his plan to us as we seek Him. How thankful I am that my future life was not told to me in great detail from the start. Perhaps I would have been like Ethan's character and wanted it all to be different. I would have been incapable of seeing the reason for the journey and how the road was paved just for me. God sees it all.
So we start a new journey. One that was completely concealed from us before this week. And for that I am thankful and yet equally overwhelmed when I look at the life He wrote for me and the notes he left along the way. Yes, I am certain if I had known what I know now I probably would have said, "No thanks, Lord!" But we walk forward in prayer trusting that nothing is a surprise to Him.
I am thankful that God didn't design us that way. Our Creator knows before we take our first breath all that we will do and be. But by his grace and our faith in his will, He slowly reveals his plan to us as we seek Him. How thankful I am that my future life was not told to me in great detail from the start. Perhaps I would have been like Ethan's character and wanted it all to be different. I would have been incapable of seeing the reason for the journey and how the road was paved just for me. God sees it all.
So we start a new journey. One that was completely concealed from us before this week. And for that I am thankful and yet equally overwhelmed when I look at the life He wrote for me and the notes he left along the way. Yes, I am certain if I had known what I know now I probably would have said, "No thanks, Lord!" But we walk forward in prayer trusting that nothing is a surprise to Him.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
God in action
"Remember no day is lost on which some Spiritual Truth becomes clearer. No day is lost which you have given to Me to use. My use of it may not have been apparent to you. Leave that to Me. Dwell in Me, and I in you, so shall ye bear much fruit. The fruit is not the work of the branches, though proudly the branches may bear it. It is the work of the Vine, that sends its life-giving sap through those branches. I am the Vine and ye are the branches."
-God Calling, Two Listeners
-God Calling, Two Listeners
Sunday, November 6, 2011
missed opportunity
I grew up in a modest home. Well several different ones really but each was a basic house that my Mom made our family home. I never remember thinking that I wanted more than what we had. We shared bedrooms, bathrooms, chores, food, and clothes. Life was simple and yet full. We got gifts at Christmas, for our birthdays and new clothes before the first day of school. I am sure I probably asked for more things, but I don't remember ever expecting anything. Our needs were met and anything else just felt like a gift.
When mystep-sister was here visiting this year, she shared some funny stories of her perspective of me growing up. Apparently I was known for treasuring even the most trivial of gifts. If I knew someone picked it out just for me, it meant so much. Gifts that weren't that exciting for a regular tween were put on my shelf and displayed with pride. I laughed at her memories as she recalled specific presents that I wore regularly. Isn't everyone grateful when they are given a gift? For some reason she recalled me as being thankful to the extreme. A few years ago I watched some old home videos on VHS taken of Christmas morning. I cherished each unwrapped present as specifically chosen just for me with all love.
I used to think that part of that glee over gifts received came with our modest life throughout the year. And maybe part of it did. But I also think it just was something different built inside me. To expect nothing and be thankful for WHATEVER gift was given with my name on it.
Now that I live in a nice home with extra bedrooms, bathrooms, chores, food and clothes...how do I instill the same attitude of gratitude that came from my upbringing? I struggle with knowing the balance. I watch HGTV and I see people walk into descent homes tearing them apart with words because they NEED granite and hardwood and a huge master bath tub. Perhaps I don't think that way because I never had them before. If you start your life with nice things is it hard to expect less?
My children are 3 1/2 and 19 months. They have no cares in this world. None. We don't lavish them with gifts (except at Christmas and birthdays) and we eat basic foods at home out of necessity. How do I teach them to realize not everyone has a room of their own (I shared one room with 2 & 3 sisters for a time) or his/hers sinks in their own hall bath (a friend's family of 5 shares one bathroom)? How can they possibly understand that many, many people in this world don't have options for dinner and wish they had enough blankets to keep them warm at night while mine kick theirs to the floor because the heater keeps them comfortable enough and they whine about eating fresh chicken again?
Sigh.
Do I sound ungrateful? Perhaps. But this issue has been bothering me lately. Sometimes I look around at all of this and I ask God why on earth he gave this to me and how content I would be with a 3 bedroom and 2 bath house that has a small back yard for the kids to play in. How on earth am I/we going to raise grounded children in this self absorbed world to appreciate every thing they are given as a gift chosen just for them with all love?
We feel like we have a purpose here. God wouldn't give us more than we can handle. Does it sound odd to read that with the perspective of excess? Sometimes I don't know how to handle all of this.
We often teach our children to think beyond themselves. If you see something that needs to be done or someone that could be helped and you are capable of meeting that need, don't wait to be asked. Help. Do. Serve. If you tripped on a toy, pick it up and put it away. If you accidentally knock (or push) your sister over, help her up and ask if she is okay. If someone is carrying a heavy load, step aside or ask them if they need a hand. One of our goals in parenting is to teach our kids that our lives are not our own and therefore God can use us anyway he chooses.
Perhaps the Lord knew (of course he did) that these particular children would learn the same lesson I learned as a child but in different circumstances. I expected nothing and appreciated anything that was given with me in mind. My children have access to more than enough and yet will hopefully learn with abundance comes more opportunities to give with others in mind.
As often happens, the Lord blesses my socks off and then quickly swoops in with a pop quiz. You know the kind. The one that you aren't expecting, didn't study for and yet know you should know all the answers to.
This past week God showed me time and time again that if I only trusted him with the big picture he could more easily use me in any circumstance. Unfortunately after learning all those lessons, I failed the pop quiz miserably. I should have known one was coming. I haven't had a test in awhile. There are only so many lectures given and chapters read before the Teacher wants to make sure you are following all the material. Are you really getting this?
The kids and I were out running errands yesterday evening. I told Bundle Brother that I would buy him a new knight helmet at the Dollar Tree since his broke recently. He was thrilled. We browsed the other aisles but came to the register with only a fire hat in hand. As I waited in line behind a woman and her young daughter, she handed the cashier her card. Declined. "Can you swipe it again?" she asked. Nothing. "Are you able to key in the numbers?" Nada. In my heart I heard, "pay for her stuff!" I never have cash but happened to have $20 in my wallet after a recent grocery shopping trip. "Pay for her stuff!" I thought I would wait. Maybe her card would go through and then it wouldn't be awkward. I don't want to embarrass her. When is the right moment to offer? I just came for this $1 item. What if she is offended? "Pay for her stuff! Your money is mine."
Hesitation.
She left empty handed. I paid for the hat and then thought if I saw her outside I would just give her the money so she could go back in. Mother and daughter were no where in sight.
Pop quiz: failed!
SERIOUSLY?????????
What is my problem?!
And please don't leave comments about how noble an act it was for me to even consider giving her money unsolicited. The Lord clearly asked me to act as His hands and feet and I hesitated. Am I still holding tight with clenched fists to the things of this world? Have I learned nothing about God's sovereignty over every moment, breath, interaction?
When I say ALL THAT I HAVE IS FROM HIM AND IS HIS I mean it. And yet sometimes I fail. What a missed opportunity! An opportunity to share God's love with this woman and her daughter. For me to surrender yet again to God's will. An opportunity to model for my son that if you see someone in need and you are capable of helping them, help, do, serve.
All that I am and all that I have is God's. When am I going to get this? All I want for my family is for them to know that every thing they have is a gift from God to be used for his glory. That they would give with all glee at an opportunity to share what He has blessed them with in His name.
Forgive me Father for yet another missed opportunity.
When my
I used to think that part of that glee over gifts received came with our modest life throughout the year. And maybe part of it did. But I also think it just was something different built inside me. To expect nothing and be thankful for WHATEVER gift was given with my name on it.
Now that I live in a nice home with extra bedrooms, bathrooms, chores, food and clothes...how do I instill the same attitude of gratitude that came from my upbringing? I struggle with knowing the balance. I watch HGTV and I see people walk into descent homes tearing them apart with words because they NEED granite and hardwood and a huge master bath tub. Perhaps I don't think that way because I never had them before. If you start your life with nice things is it hard to expect less?
My children are 3 1/2 and 19 months. They have no cares in this world. None. We don't lavish them with gifts (except at Christmas and birthdays) and we eat basic foods at home out of necessity. How do I teach them to realize not everyone has a room of their own (I shared one room with 2 & 3 sisters for a time) or his/hers sinks in their own hall bath (a friend's family of 5 shares one bathroom)? How can they possibly understand that many, many people in this world don't have options for dinner and wish they had enough blankets to keep them warm at night while mine kick theirs to the floor because the heater keeps them comfortable enough and they whine about eating fresh chicken again?
Sigh.
Do I sound ungrateful? Perhaps. But this issue has been bothering me lately. Sometimes I look around at all of this and I ask God why on earth he gave this to me and how content I would be with a 3 bedroom and 2 bath house that has a small back yard for the kids to play in. How on earth am I/we going to raise grounded children in this self absorbed world to appreciate every thing they are given as a gift chosen just for them with all love?
We feel like we have a purpose here. God wouldn't give us more than we can handle. Does it sound odd to read that with the perspective of excess? Sometimes I don't know how to handle all of this.
We often teach our children to think beyond themselves. If you see something that needs to be done or someone that could be helped and you are capable of meeting that need, don't wait to be asked. Help. Do. Serve. If you tripped on a toy, pick it up and put it away. If you accidentally knock (or push) your sister over, help her up and ask if she is okay. If someone is carrying a heavy load, step aside or ask them if they need a hand. One of our goals in parenting is to teach our kids that our lives are not our own and therefore God can use us anyway he chooses.
Perhaps the Lord knew (of course he did) that these particular children would learn the same lesson I learned as a child but in different circumstances. I expected nothing and appreciated anything that was given with me in mind. My children have access to more than enough and yet will hopefully learn with abundance comes more opportunities to give with others in mind.
As often happens, the Lord blesses my socks off and then quickly swoops in with a pop quiz. You know the kind. The one that you aren't expecting, didn't study for and yet know you should know all the answers to.
This past week God showed me time and time again that if I only trusted him with the big picture he could more easily use me in any circumstance. Unfortunately after learning all those lessons, I failed the pop quiz miserably. I should have known one was coming. I haven't had a test in awhile. There are only so many lectures given and chapters read before the Teacher wants to make sure you are following all the material. Are you really getting this?
The kids and I were out running errands yesterday evening. I told Bundle Brother that I would buy him a new knight helmet at the Dollar Tree since his broke recently. He was thrilled. We browsed the other aisles but came to the register with only a fire hat in hand. As I waited in line behind a woman and her young daughter, she handed the cashier her card. Declined. "Can you swipe it again?" she asked. Nothing. "Are you able to key in the numbers?" Nada. In my heart I heard, "pay for her stuff!" I never have cash but happened to have $20 in my wallet after a recent grocery shopping trip. "Pay for her stuff!" I thought I would wait. Maybe her card would go through and then it wouldn't be awkward. I don't want to embarrass her. When is the right moment to offer? I just came for this $1 item. What if she is offended? "Pay for her stuff! Your money is mine."
Hesitation.
She left empty handed. I paid for the hat and then thought if I saw her outside I would just give her the money so she could go back in. Mother and daughter were no where in sight.
Pop quiz: failed!
SERIOUSLY?????????
What is my problem?!
And please don't leave comments about how noble an act it was for me to even consider giving her money unsolicited. The Lord clearly asked me to act as His hands and feet and I hesitated. Am I still holding tight with clenched fists to the things of this world? Have I learned nothing about God's sovereignty over every moment, breath, interaction?
When I say ALL THAT I HAVE IS FROM HIM AND IS HIS I mean it. And yet sometimes I fail. What a missed opportunity! An opportunity to share God's love with this woman and her daughter. For me to surrender yet again to God's will. An opportunity to model for my son that if you see someone in need and you are capable of helping them, help, do, serve.
All that I am and all that I have is God's. When am I going to get this? All I want for my family is for them to know that every thing they have is a gift from God to be used for his glory. That they would give with all glee at an opportunity to share what He has blessed them with in His name.
Forgive me Father for yet another missed opportunity.
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