I talked to KB for 2 1/2 hours yesterday (God kept my Bundles napping for most of it). I am not usually a phone person. An unfamiliar area code came up on my phone as it rang and for some reason I answered it. She spoke as if she knew me but I couldn't place her voice. Once she told me who it was I was overjoyed to receive a call from her while on the ground in Haiti. She is halfway through her thirty days of serving with a ministry called Danita's Children this summer. As she told me story after story of things she saw and what God was doing. I couldn't help but feel a flicker of light being lit back up inside of me.
During the months that we were praying about, preparing for and completing our foster parent training the idea of God using our family and this home for his glory was heavy on my heart. I read books about foster care. I set up the spare bedroom. I envisioned little faces at the dinner table and in the back of the car and pushing the shopping cart. My heart ached for God to use us.
God asked us to wait. I kept preparing believing with all my heart that a phone call could come at any moment (which it still can) and felt I needed to be continually learning about what God was walking us through. Then one day I realized that I was so busy dreaming of the future that I was missing the now. I actually said out loud to My Love one day that, "If this is all that there is I will probably become discontent with my life!" Huh?!?!?! Are you kidding me? Look around Girl! You have a BEAUTIFUL life. But what I meant was I felt so strongly about what God was going to do that I couldn't see myself being satisfied with the American Dream that we live that the world strives for. My life can't only be about myself and my husband and my two healthy kids. I am ready to be used.
God has changed my attitude since then during this period of waiting. He has given me great contentment for this day because he has written it for this day. I don't spend too much time longing for the children "who might be out there in the world right now" because they are first and foremost God's children and he has them safely in his hands. He will bring them to us when the time is right.
But as I listened to KB talk, I began to ache again. For the millions of people whose lives only include suffering and who have to rely on God for EVERY THING. We were out of power for two days in the heat and we thought that was misery. When our phone call finally came to an end she left me with several very specific prayer requests to get her through the rest of her time there and as she returns "home". My stomach hurt. I felt a nagging in me again. My house suddenly seemed gigantic like it has at times in the past and I told God I was ready for him to fill it up already.
KB and I have a very unique relationship. God bound us together before we even met and he continues to use our conversations to bless each other even though we are in very different circumstances. I asked her what God was teaching her while in Haiti. Her answer was long and detailed after pausing to think but she shared something from a sermon given there on the compound. "The right thing at the wrong time is disobedience," she said. Other than briefly speaking before she got on the plane to fly to Haiti we hadn't spoken in about a month so KB wasn't really up to speed on all that God was teaching me here in Virginia. I told her that she thought this was a morale call for her but really God was using her to bless me. Yes. Foster care, adoption is the right thing for our family. But if we pursue it at the wrong time we are outside of his will and are disobeying God.
So we wait...patiently. We wait in this six bedroom four bathroom house for God to work everything together in his perfect time. This is the time for our marriage. To prepare us for the journey ahead when he will grow our family. I know he will. I imagine my thoughts and emotions will continue to fluctuate between peace and discontentment like on a roller coaster from time to time. It's God's way of keeping my mind fixed on him no matter the circumstances. Please pray for my heart. It is a Mama heart for more than just these two and I want to be completely transformed so I may be better used by God when His time is right.