Our next door neighbor offered to come stay with the kids on that Tuesday evening so I could be with My Love. What a blessing! No hard goodbyes in front of the kids. It was bad enough I broke down the day before after making the worst phone call of my life. "Mommy's OK," I reassured them as they came to comfort me. "Are you sad about Bentley?" he asked already knowing the answer. "Yes, buddy. But God can heal my heart," I said. Did I just schedule that appointment?
It was just four months before that we even noticed a change in Bentley's behavior and demeanor. We took him to the vet inquiring about his recent pee accidents in the house. They suspected a bladder infection and prescribed antibiotics. It didn't work. After a series of more tests, we pursued a second opinion and felt more confident with the care he was receiving at the new vet's office. More tests were done. His symptoms continued to develop and worsen. At some point we came to the decision that we could spend hundreds of more dollars just to confirm a diagnosis that we already knew we would not choose to treat, or we could accept his assumed illness as it was. Brain tumor.
At the end he was down to 64 pounds I think even diligently eating his regular two meals a day. My heart sank the day I noticed he left a few morsels of his breakfast in the bowl. That was SO not our boy. It had been weeks since he ate something off the counter or even off the floor. His legs were weak and he refused to climb any stairs. He was going blind and walked into walls and tripped over toys. He incessantly paced around the house every evening and when he wasn't doing that he was sleeping. He continued to have accidents. My Love came home before us on Valentine's Day to find Wups had pooped in the house and blindly tracked it all over the family room. Caring for him became so stressful trying to anticipate when he would need to go out to pee and literally having to carry him back inside. He would slowly wander in the front yard and down the street before he heard our voice calling him back and he would try to follow it. He was disoriented. No leash necessary. We hadn't gone on a Family Walk in quite awhile.
The Monday I made the call I could tell he was done. When I took him outside he would walk just a few steps and then lay down in the grass. It was a sunny, breezy day so at one point I just lied down with him spooning my furry firstborn in the front yard. It was one of the most beautiful moments I ever shared with him as I watched his fur blow in the sunshine. No photo was necessary.
My heart was breaking.
Wups had been sleeping in a crate when we were away from home and at night for a couple weeks. Monday night we brought him to bed with us and he slept for a few hours right between us before he woke up anxious. It was beautiful. My Love put him on the floor next to his side of the bed where he would normally sleep and he stayed there all night. It was so nice having him in the room with us again.
When Tuesday morning came, every thing about that day was excruciating. Knowing the exact time caused me to count down the hours with such pain. I was extremely irritable with my innocent human children wanting to spend as much uninterrupted time with Bentley as I could. It was his worst day yet. When he came inside from not going pee, he stepped just inside the front door and laid down there sleeping for the the rest of the day. My poor Love had to spend the day at work. While the kids were "napping", I once again just lied down with My Boy and pet him. Every once in awhile my weeping would startle him to sit up and I would try to calm him back down. Five more hours.
I spent part of the day removing some of Bentley's items from their normal places. As hard as it would be to come home and see them missing, I knew it would be even harder to see them there empty and unused when we got back that evening.
For some crazy reason My Love got home later than usual from work that day. His alone time with Wups was limited. Eventually our neighbor came over and the kids said goodbye before running off to play. My Love carried Bentley to the car and lifted him into the back of the Volvo. Was this really happening? The first few minutes were driven in silence with bursts of weeping from both of us. With each mile that we drew closer to our destination, my heart sunk deeper in my chest...
Friday, March 14, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
sweet pea
"We are on our way to pick up a baby girl right now so we need an answer like, right now," the social worker said.
I called My Love. We were both open to walking through this process with God again. The circumstances that were shared implied that she might be with us much longer than the previous children. Let's do this, Lord.
An hour or so later on that Thursday night, I had a beautiful infant in my arms. Her sleepy, big, blue eyes stole my heart right away. After the recent addition of three little ones, just one seemed like it would be a breeze.
Sweet Pea spent the first several days sleeping as we all got to know each other. She entered our home at such a sweet time and brought joy when there was about to be so much sorrow...
I called My Love. We were both open to walking through this process with God again. The circumstances that were shared implied that she might be with us much longer than the previous children. Let's do this, Lord.
An hour or so later on that Thursday night, I had a beautiful infant in my arms. Her sleepy, big, blue eyes stole my heart right away. After the recent addition of three little ones, just one seemed like it would be a breeze.
Sweet Pea spent the first several days sleeping as we all got to know each other. She entered our home at such a sweet time and brought joy when there was about to be so much sorrow...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
hello, goodbye
Just as quickly as they arrived, the three precious angels who entered our lives left again. Our world was rocked for six days. We were literally still in blissful survival mode.
Remember the prayer request My Love mentioned on his drive home the day we got the call? Well that developed into a stomach bug that evening. It turned out to be a huge blessing that he was sick because he stayed home from work the next day and was there to welcome the children (feeling mostly better by that point). Fast forward to Sunday night and I was the one puking my guts out. All. Night. Long. My Love took Monday off to take care of all five kids solo while I stayed in bed. Tuesday afternoon, I was waving goodbye to three beautiful children that I held in my arms.
It was the most crazy-beautiful six straight days I have ever had. Noise, laughter, and running feet. Wiping snotty noses, changing poopy diapers, and comforting night terrors. It brought me so much joy to see our home full and being used for God's glory. These three children had no idea what foster care was. They thought they were just with us for a sleep over. It is amazing how God protects the minds of children. Thankfully they had someone already in their life who was willing and able to care for them. We feel so blessed to have offered a soft place for them to land for those six days. And forevermore our hearts will be changed as we pray for their futures for the rest of our days.
It wasn't far into the morning of day one when the oldest of the three said the most heart-wrenching and genuinely loving compliment I have ever received.
"I can tell you act like a good Mom!"
Sniff.
We knew Tuesday would be the day we would find out how much longer they would be staying with me. My Love was back at work by then and when the phone rang this time I got the news I was expecting. But somehow I was still saddened. The unknowns, the what ifs, the we-didn't-do-enough thoughts.
Just in case things changed again, I decided to wait until the last minute to tell the children (including my own) that the fun was over and they would be returning home after nap. I braced for tears but none came. Instead they left with happy smiles just as they arrived. Not a care or fear in the world even while being shuffled about.
Sniff.
It overwhelms me to think about God's sovereignty in all of this. How he prepared our hearts two years ago for such a time as this. To provide them a loving home even for such a short time. He loves them so much.
A week after they left, My Love and I still hadn't sat down and had a real talk about what we had just walked through together. We learned A LOT. We learned that we work well as a team. That My Love has a sincere servant's heart --which I already knew. We saw how our top priorities had quickly fallen by the wayside in the name of survival. In the future that could NOT be the case. We felt peace in our home of chaos knowing we were being covered in prayer. It really was a sweet time. The children were so precious and we think back to those days fondly.
How thankful we are to have said yes and obeyed God even when it felt scary. If I am truly honest, it wasn't until the social worker was on his way with the children that I really believed it was going to happen. We went through this once before when God asked if we were willing and then after he got the answer of "Yes, Lord" he promptly said, "good to know," and those two children were placed somewhere else.
The real truth is though it wasn't us at all. The Lord even saw fit to allow us to both be vomitting during that time to remind us that we can do NOTHING in our own strength. For six days we were literally just empty shells being used by Him for his good purpose. It was a busy time but it was also so peaceful.
Like I said, we hadn't even decompressed fully days after the children had exited our lives. We knew we needed to be really praying about what this meant for our family continuing to serve God through foster care. "Those social workers loved us, My Love," I joked. "They will probably call back. We need to be ready with an answer.
Nine days later around 4pm, the phone rang again. It was the Department of Social Services...
Remember the prayer request My Love mentioned on his drive home the day we got the call? Well that developed into a stomach bug that evening. It turned out to be a huge blessing that he was sick because he stayed home from work the next day and was there to welcome the children (feeling mostly better by that point). Fast forward to Sunday night and I was the one puking my guts out. All. Night. Long. My Love took Monday off to take care of all five kids solo while I stayed in bed. Tuesday afternoon, I was waving goodbye to three beautiful children that I held in my arms.
It was the most crazy-beautiful six straight days I have ever had. Noise, laughter, and running feet. Wiping snotty noses, changing poopy diapers, and comforting night terrors. It brought me so much joy to see our home full and being used for God's glory. These three children had no idea what foster care was. They thought they were just with us for a sleep over. It is amazing how God protects the minds of children. Thankfully they had someone already in their life who was willing and able to care for them. We feel so blessed to have offered a soft place for them to land for those six days. And forevermore our hearts will be changed as we pray for their futures for the rest of our days.
It wasn't far into the morning of day one when the oldest of the three said the most heart-wrenching and genuinely loving compliment I have ever received.
"I can tell you act like a good Mom!"
Sniff.
We knew Tuesday would be the day we would find out how much longer they would be staying with me. My Love was back at work by then and when the phone rang this time I got the news I was expecting. But somehow I was still saddened. The unknowns, the what ifs, the we-didn't-do-enough thoughts.
Just in case things changed again, I decided to wait until the last minute to tell the children (including my own) that the fun was over and they would be returning home after nap. I braced for tears but none came. Instead they left with happy smiles just as they arrived. Not a care or fear in the world even while being shuffled about.
Sniff.
It overwhelms me to think about God's sovereignty in all of this. How he prepared our hearts two years ago for such a time as this. To provide them a loving home even for such a short time. He loves them so much.
A week after they left, My Love and I still hadn't sat down and had a real talk about what we had just walked through together. We learned A LOT. We learned that we work well as a team. That My Love has a sincere servant's heart --which I already knew. We saw how our top priorities had quickly fallen by the wayside in the name of survival. In the future that could NOT be the case. We felt peace in our home of chaos knowing we were being covered in prayer. It really was a sweet time. The children were so precious and we think back to those days fondly.
How thankful we are to have said yes and obeyed God even when it felt scary. If I am truly honest, it wasn't until the social worker was on his way with the children that I really believed it was going to happen. We went through this once before when God asked if we were willing and then after he got the answer of "Yes, Lord" he promptly said, "good to know," and those two children were placed somewhere else.
The real truth is though it wasn't us at all. The Lord even saw fit to allow us to both be vomitting during that time to remind us that we can do NOTHING in our own strength. For six days we were literally just empty shells being used by Him for his good purpose. It was a busy time but it was also so peaceful.
Like I said, we hadn't even decompressed fully days after the children had exited our lives. We knew we needed to be really praying about what this meant for our family continuing to serve God through foster care. "Those social workers loved us, My Love," I joked. "They will probably call back. We need to be ready with an answer.
Nine days later around 4pm, the phone rang again. It was the Department of Social Services...
Monday, March 10, 2014
take me deeper
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
http://youtu.be/iilc92XVd00
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
http://youtu.be/iilc92XVd00
Thursday, March 6, 2014
the phone rang
I was waiting on a phone call from the vet, so I answered the ring coming from the unfamiliar number with that expectation in mind.
It wasn't the vet.
It was the Department of Social Services.
"We have a sibling set of three children," she said. The voice coming from a woman whose name was mentioned just the week before in our home in different context.
"Do you think I should call them and tell them to take our name off the "list"?" I asked My Love. He said no. If the phone rang, we would deal with it when it came. Even though it had been nearly two years since we started the process of foster care without a single placement. I was ready to close the door completely. He told me to leave it ajar.
"We will be bringing them into care tomorrow afternoon," she continued. More details were shared. The children were 5, 2, and 1. It would likely be temporary.
I was shocked to say the least. I mean, we were just talking about this very moment. What we would do when the phone rang. The thing was, I knew My Love would be unreachable for the next few hours. I knew he would be calling at some point to find out if the vet had called yet. I knew it would be difficult to make this decision over the phone.
He finally did call in one of his classic I-can-only-talk-for-a-second calls. They don't happen often but when they do I have to cram as much information into two sentences as I possibly can. By then the vet had called so I shared that news and then I told him DSS had called and literally had no time to elaborate beyond that. He responded with "I have to run back in now. Can you please pray for me? I am about to do my briefing and I am really not feeling well." Um.
Poor guy called me an hour or so later. I told him what I knew about the potential placement. He was on a longish commute back to our area and asked if he could call me back after he had time to pray and think about it.
The phone rang thirty minutes later. We were on the same page. The page we had kind of been on from the beginning of this process. We decided to say yes. Little did we know what was to come...
It wasn't the vet.
It was the Department of Social Services.
"We have a sibling set of three children," she said. The voice coming from a woman whose name was mentioned just the week before in our home in different context.
"Do you think I should call them and tell them to take our name off the "list"?" I asked My Love. He said no. If the phone rang, we would deal with it when it came. Even though it had been nearly two years since we started the process of foster care without a single placement. I was ready to close the door completely. He told me to leave it ajar.
"We will be bringing them into care tomorrow afternoon," she continued. More details were shared. The children were 5, 2, and 1. It would likely be temporary.
I was shocked to say the least. I mean, we were just talking about this very moment. What we would do when the phone rang. The thing was, I knew My Love would be unreachable for the next few hours. I knew he would be calling at some point to find out if the vet had called yet. I knew it would be difficult to make this decision over the phone.
He finally did call in one of his classic I-can-only-talk-for-a-second calls. They don't happen often but when they do I have to cram as much information into two sentences as I possibly can. By then the vet had called so I shared that news and then I told him DSS had called and literally had no time to elaborate beyond that. He responded with "I have to run back in now. Can you please pray for me? I am about to do my briefing and I am really not feeling well." Um.
Poor guy called me an hour or so later. I told him what I knew about the potential placement. He was on a longish commute back to our area and asked if he could call me back after he had time to pray and think about it.
The phone rang thirty minutes later. We were on the same page. The page we had kind of been on from the beginning of this process. We decided to say yes. Little did we know what was to come...
so...I might be back
Now I know I said THE END so dramatically and all, but part of me kind of thought I would wind up here again. I mean, I did pretty well for awhile convincing myself that the season of blogging was behind me. Mostly because months had gone by with no real inspiration or anything interesting to share. Ultimately this blog was always for me though. To be a place where I could be reminded of God's faithfulness in the mundane and miraculous. It just seems like the right time to write again. I am not making any promises of returning full force, but I would like to chronicle how being Thankful In All has prepared me for such a time as this.
So here we go...
So here we go...
Monday, October 21, 2013
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