another place at the table

Did you like my writer's version of drunk dialing?  I guess that is what you get when I decide to publish a post written while experiencing an extreme emotion.  Never fear though.  The Lord is greater than I and has infinite power to remove even the most heavy of burdens.  It is well with my soul.

 On a completely unrelated note (how'd you like that smooth transition?), I have been doing some foster parenting related reading while we wait.  I read a couple memoir types written by adults who grew up in The System many years ago.  But this new book has been even more educational and intriguing.  It is called "Another Place at the Table: a story of shattered childhoods redeemed by love" by Kathy Harrison.  It is written
from her perspective after being a foster parent for 13 years.  

I wanted to share a couple quotes from her book just for my own knowledge and reference. 

"...the phone woke me up at midnight.  The voice on the other end of the receiver was annoyingly bright and chipper, oblivious to my groggy state.  He needed a place for a baby boy.  Could I help?  "A ten-month-old? Sure.  Bring him over.  I'll leave the light on."  By this time, havoc had become somewhat routine.  Bruce slept through the phone call and all of my hurried preparations, which I managed to make without fully waking up.  I pulled out the small crib and set up in our den, then found a clean sleeper and a few diapers.  Last, I made up a bottle and curled up in front of the fire in the living room to wait.  What can I say about waiting for a baby?  It is a bit like being in labor.  Excitement laced with worry, that sense of not being prepared.  The questions are one part of fostering that has never changed for me.  What in heaven's name have I gotten myself into?  What if I can't do it?  Suppose the baby screams all night or gets sick?  Suppose I do the wrong thing and make things worse?  What if I love him and lose him or, worse, what if I don't?" -pg. 16

"It comes as no surprise that finding families willing to open their doors to the rigors of foster parenting is so hard.  Fostering means knowing about things most of us would prefer to forget.  It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough.  It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end.  It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again." -pg. 50

Good stuff, right?  I have busted through this great (and disturbing) read in a couple of days and are excited to read more like it.  There is a lot to glean from the wisdom of people who have walked this journey before us.

Next on my end table to start reading? "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Keck and Kupecky.  Fun times.

act only

"When man wants evil destroyed so often he rushes to action.  It is wrong.  First be still and know that I am God.  Then act only as I tell you.  Always calm with God.  Calm is trust in action.  Only trust, perfect trust can keep one calm." -God Calling


I read this excerpt from my daily devotional this morning and thought Wow, that was a couple of days late.  But of course God was not a few days off at all but actually right on time.


I got a virtual slap in the face today in my inbox and everything inside of me wants to bite back with words.  To spew out sentences on the keyboard that I thought were thoughts safely hidden under rocks shaking around in my heart.  My blood is boiling.  If you hadn't noticed I can be somewhat confrontational (don't answer that).


Does it matter if I am right or not?  If my words and actions are justified?  Does it matter if I can fight harder to win?  Should I try to prove my case?  How would Jesus react?


Rather than rereading the email 95,000 times (which is what "words of affirmation" love language people do, people) so I could let my heart rot a little bit more, I thought I would take a nap hoping my perspective would change by my own strength.  The morning reading came popping up in my head repeatedly and I tried to suppress it.  Who will defend me if I don't respond?  I have a right to say something!!!  I don't have the strength to stay calm.


Of course my tired head could not rest.  I went downstairs to grab the computer to start a rough draft of thoughts that My Love could edit before sending (which is what started this correspondence) but grabbed for my devotional instead.  


"First be still and know that I am God.  Then act only as I tell you... Calm is trust in action."

Don't we all feel this way from time to time?  Like we have to say something right now in anger so we can selfishly feel better?  To what end?  Breathe.

Rather than passion in this moment I choose calm.  The Lord knows that goes against everything I am feeling right now.  But what a concept to wait on the Lord and only act as he wills.  I think I'll try it.  

Breathe. 


Time to chew on the Book of James.  A few verses come to mind.

while i'm waiting

This morning I got in contact with the social worker who was in charge of our foster parenting classes.  I let her know through email that we are back in town and are officially able to take a placement at anytime.  I feel like God has me in a funny place.  I am preparing for this foster parenting journey to start way out in the distance.  We are choosing to live our lives as normal without dwelling too much on when it is going to happen.  The guest bed is still in the extra bedroom that is meant for the next addition to our family.  But there is also this quaking feeling that the phone could ring at any minute and our lives will be forever changed for the better.  How do you simultaneously wait with both anticipation and patience?  

I have often prayed through this song for two families that are going through very different experiences in life.  Suddenly the lyrics apply to me too.  What am I going to do while I am waiting?  And how long before I get antsy that the call on my life isn't happening fast enough?  No we are not waiting to conceive a child or enter the mission field, but the promise is still there.  And I feel a bit like Abraham believing God and yet having to have faith that His "when" is the perfect plan for me. 


We have done our part.  We have obediently followed him this far and now he is asking us to wait.  I know it is for good reason.  You see, we don't just want any child to fulfill our impatience.  We want the child that God choose to join our family (even if it just for a brief while) before the beginning of time.  To think he knew long before my first breath that he would use our family for his glory is overwhelming.  Why would I not choose to trust him?


We know nothing in particular has to happen first before we welcome a foster child in our home.  We don't have to have a house that is better organized.  We don't have to be more financially stable.  We don't even have to get through My Love's job transition first.  All we have to do is trust God fully and wait patiently with anticipation knowing that his plan is perfect and complete.

peace in routine

We said our goodbyes to the the last bit of family yesterday.  My sister traveled back with me from the west coast and spent five days with us in our home.  It was such a nice visit.  I wish she could have stayed longer. 

That means we spent one month in the presence of family.  One month.  It was a very sweet time and I am thankful that God planned it that way.  But something became abundantly clear to me by the end of the month.  I thrive on routine.  Don't get me wrong.  I have become extremely flexible over the years but being out of routine for several weeks is not easy for me.  It puts a strain on our marriage and kids.  

I never realized how much routine played in my walk with God.  Yes, we set aside time every morning to read and pray together when we are home.  But what if we don't have control over how our day starts on the road?  What if there is jet lag and sleeping kiddos in the same room and busy schedules?  The excuses pile up and so do our bad attitudes.  I noticed it most this past week when I couldn't easily speak a gentle word to my Bundles.  My flesh had been given priority for a time and it was taking the opportunity to show its ugly head.

It took four days for the affects of jet lag to escape our home.  It is tempting to let everyone sleep in until 9am but then they couldn't fall asleep until almost 10pm those days.  The alarm came early this morning after a month of not using it.  5:30am.  Yes, there is peace and surrender I find in routine.  But what will life look like when routine is upset here at home?  My peace should be found in Christ.  We will have to learn how to keep our priorities grounded in the Word of God even when we don't have control over how our day starts.

Lord, show me how to be in communion with you no matter my circumstances.  I want to rely on you for every breath taken, every word spoken, and everything I do for Your glory.

home in a family

Phew!


Three weeks is a long time to be away from home.  We had a great time traveling to see family in Arizona and California.  The Bundles bonded quickly to aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.  We are so blessed to have many loving relatives.  If only they we didn't live so far away.


I left home in the fall of 1999 and really haven't lived there since.  Every time I have come back it has felt like a visit rather than a returning home.  Perhaps some of that has to do with the fact that my parents no longer live in the home I spent some of my childhood years growing up.  Life goes on.  My sisters have their own homes and families.  There isn't this one place I can come back to where I feel right at home.


There have been many visits over the years.  Even whole summers spent after each college year, but perhaps in some way I still felt displaced.  The town that most of my family lives in now feels like a long ago chapter in my life.  But something changed this time.  We decided to spend two weeks with my large family and something funny happened.  I felt at home.  Not in one single place.  Not in a house at all.  I felt at home with family.  The casual week night dinners.  The sisters popping over to do laundry or run on the treadmill or clean the house.  Hugging sweet friends and going to the local grocery store and seeing people I went to high school with and playing on the playground across from Grandpa's house while watching the new goslings waddle into the pond.  Sigh.  I have never liked being the family celebrity who swoops in for a whirlwind weekend visit.  This trip felt largely like normal life.


I'm guessing life would be different if we actually lived there though.  With jobs and school and to-do lists.  But the flight all the way back across the country felt really long this time.  It took all day.  I became painfully aware that the home God has made for me here is far from the home with family I left behind.  


In the same breath that I sigh at the thought of my kids being far removed from their 15 cousins I also feel a deep contentment for the home God has built for us here.  Perhaps it is just exhaustion after a long trip but I really do love it here.  There is nothing like being home.  


One day during our trip, Brother said from the back seat as I pulled up to Grammie's house, "Awww.  Home sweet home!"


I am thankful that with 2 years between visits he can still see home in the family that loves him.  Because sometimes being home isn't about a house at all.  My heart lies on both coasts for the first time.


Tonight at dinner, Brother asked if this was all our family [sitting at the table] like he often does.  He went on to say that something was missing.  "What's missing?" I asked.  "More kids!" he said.  And that was the moment that I realized the home--the family-- that God is making for us here will be something sweeter than I can ever find trying to return to 1999.


Oh to be blessed with TWO loving families (the family I grew up in and the family others will grow up in) when some are born without even one.  My heart aches tonight for the child/ren that will join our family in God's perfect timing.  So that they may know that feeling of being home in a family no matter where they go from here. 

you carry me