I have never experienced real grief before. Isn't that amazing? A 32 year old woman whose heart has been guarded from such loss all this time. It seems silly that my first grieving experience has been for a dog but then again maybe not. Bentley was a part of our family. Our daily life. His absence is deafening. I wonder how long it will be before I don't look at the calendar on the 25th day and calculate how long it has been.
One month.
I haven't cried since that day we said goodbye and yet I am in this surreal place of believing he is really gone. I think that stage is called denial. I had my first dream about him two nights ago. He was walking out of the woods toward our house and I just kept yelling for My Love to come see. That he wasn't gone after all but had only be missing in the woods all this time.
But it was only a dream.
I vacillate through the anger stage too. Almost every time I see someone walking their dog in our neighborhood--especially another golden--I cringe. Do they even realize how good they have it? I wish I could walk our dog. We used to take a Family Walk most days. Those walks have a whole different feel now and don't happen as often as they used to out of necessity.
Brother started showing signs of missing his Wuppy Brother. He found an old framed 4x6 of Bentley that we had up in his old bedroom before we moved to this house. I found it in his bed one morning and watched him as he carried it around the house and stared at it for a day or too. "This is our dog. He died though, " I heard him say to his visiting Auntie. Very matter of fact but also a hint of sadness for missing him starting to come through in his own way.
We were eating dinner at a friend's house when she unknowingly complained about the dog hair around their place. "You'll miss it someday," My Love said under his breath. He's right. I had expected to see more lingering evidence of his previous presence in our home but it is just gone. All that remains is this lingering heartache.
For the most part, life is business as usual around here. But our hearts are still aching and I don't expect that to dim any time soon.
Showing posts with label Wups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wups. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
goodbye bentley boy (part 2 of 2)
The drive seemed so short. Through the tears we shared stories of our Boy. "Remember when we picked him up from the breeder?" I said. We laughed thinking about the tiny puff ball that he was at 8 weeks. We had brought our huge wire crate in the back of the Volvo to pick him up. He looked so tiny. "Yeah," My Love said smiling. "He threw up in the car and I had to pull over to clean it up." We both laughed. Then silence and tears again. We recalled such sweet memories spent together as a family with our Wups over the last seven years. Road trips, hikes, camping trips, bed and breakfast get aways. How could we even make new memories in our little family without him in it? It seemed impossible.
As we pulled up to the vet's office, I was weeping uncontrollably. We took a minute kissing him in the back of the car before stumbling into the office. People sat there with their pets smiling and laughing. The clip board required us to sign in with a space to fill in the reason for our visit. I couldn't bring myself to write it down. They brought us into a room right away.
We took care of some logistics and then spent the rest of our time with him petting him and kissing him and crying on him. We kept telling him how much we would miss him and what a good boy he had been. He was laying peacefully in My Loves arms when the techs stepped out for a minute and a sweet song came to mind. A song we have sung to our human children since they were babies called Snuggle Puppy. Through tears, My Love and I sang it to our furry firstborn on the floor of the vet's office.
The vet came back in and it was time. I won't share details but it was terrible. His spirit left him and I couldn't bring myself to even look at him after that. I was doubled over wailing and yelling about the obvious realization that had just happened. My Love had to help me to the car as we exited out the back door leaving our boy behind. There were more tears as the car felt extremely empty. And then it was like the tears were all gone. I don't remember crying again after that. We talked more on the ride home and felt emotionally drained but the grief morphed into something else. We had just about gone through all the stages before this day and found ourselves just missing his presence.
We drove up to our house just the two of us and thanked our neighbor and friend for blessing us with such a precious memory. We had both been there when Bentley was welcomed into our family and we were both with him at the end. I can never repay her for that gift!
In the midst of our sorrow, there was God's overwhelming grace wrapped up in a precious baby girl asleep in an upstairs room. During the time that we lost our Bentley Boy, Sweet Pea's presence in our family became a soothing balm to our aching hearts.
That Tuesday night, My Love and I were just numb sitting next to each other on the couch while the TV played. He was really gone. I had asked friends on Facebook to share stories of our sweet dog and we spent the rest of our night smiling and laughing as we recalled his crazy antics. He was loved well by so many.
Good bye Bentley Boy! When we brought you home in 2006, you made us a family and we are better for knowing you. We miss you terribly and wish we had more time before you had to go. But oh how sweet the memories will always be in our hearts!
We took care of some logistics and then spent the rest of our time with him petting him and kissing him and crying on him. We kept telling him how much we would miss him and what a good boy he had been. He was laying peacefully in My Loves arms when the techs stepped out for a minute and a sweet song came to mind. A song we have sung to our human children since they were babies called Snuggle Puppy. Through tears, My Love and I sang it to our furry firstborn on the floor of the vet's office.
The vet came back in and it was time. I won't share details but it was terrible. His spirit left him and I couldn't bring myself to even look at him after that. I was doubled over wailing and yelling about the obvious realization that had just happened. My Love had to help me to the car as we exited out the back door leaving our boy behind. There were more tears as the car felt extremely empty. And then it was like the tears were all gone. I don't remember crying again after that. We talked more on the ride home and felt emotionally drained but the grief morphed into something else. We had just about gone through all the stages before this day and found ourselves just missing his presence.
We drove up to our house just the two of us and thanked our neighbor and friend for blessing us with such a precious memory. We had both been there when Bentley was welcomed into our family and we were both with him at the end. I can never repay her for that gift!
In the midst of our sorrow, there was God's overwhelming grace wrapped up in a precious baby girl asleep in an upstairs room. During the time that we lost our Bentley Boy, Sweet Pea's presence in our family became a soothing balm to our aching hearts.
That Tuesday night, My Love and I were just numb sitting next to each other on the couch while the TV played. He was really gone. I had asked friends on Facebook to share stories of our sweet dog and we spent the rest of our night smiling and laughing as we recalled his crazy antics. He was loved well by so many.
Good bye Bentley Boy! When we brought you home in 2006, you made us a family and we are better for knowing you. We miss you terribly and wish we had more time before you had to go. But oh how sweet the memories will always be in our hearts!
(February 2014)
before the end (part 1 of 2)
Our next door neighbor offered to come stay with the kids on that Tuesday evening so I could be with My Love. What a blessing! No hard goodbyes in front of the kids. It was bad enough I broke down the day before after making the worst phone call of my life. "Mommy's OK," I reassured them as they came to comfort me. "Are you sad about Bentley?" he asked already knowing the answer. "Yes, buddy. But God can heal my heart," I said. Did I just schedule that appointment?
It was just four months before that we even noticed a change in Bentley's behavior and demeanor. We took him to the vet inquiring about his recent pee accidents in the house. They suspected a bladder infection and prescribed antibiotics. It didn't work. After a series of more tests, we pursued a second opinion and felt more confident with the care he was receiving at the new vet's office. More tests were done. His symptoms continued to develop and worsen. At some point we came to the decision that we could spend hundreds of more dollars just to confirm a diagnosis that we already knew we would not choose to treat, or we could accept his assumed illness as it was. Brain tumor.
At the end he was down to 64 pounds I think even diligently eating his regular two meals a day. My heart sank the day I noticed he left a few morsels of his breakfast in the bowl. That was SO not our boy. It had been weeks since he ate something off the counter or even off the floor. His legs were weak and he refused to climb any stairs. He was going blind and walked into walls and tripped over toys. He incessantly paced around the house every evening and when he wasn't doing that he was sleeping. He continued to have accidents. My Love came home before us on Valentine's Day to find Wups had pooped in the house and blindly tracked it all over the family room. Caring for him became so stressful trying to anticipate when he would need to go out to pee and literally having to carry him back inside. He would slowly wander in the front yard and down the street before he heard our voice calling him back and he would try to follow it. He was disoriented. No leash necessary. We hadn't gone on a Family Walk in quite awhile.
The Monday I made the call I could tell he was done. When I took him outside he would walk just a few steps and then lay down in the grass. It was a sunny, breezy day so at one point I just lied down with him spooning my furry firstborn in the front yard. It was one of the most beautiful moments I ever shared with him as I watched his fur blow in the sunshine. No photo was necessary.
My heart was breaking.
Wups had been sleeping in a crate when we were away from home and at night for a couple weeks. Monday night we brought him to bed with us and he slept for a few hours right between us before he woke up anxious. It was beautiful. My Love put him on the floor next to his side of the bed where he would normally sleep and he stayed there all night. It was so nice having him in the room with us again.
When Tuesday morning came, every thing about that day was excruciating. Knowing the exact time caused me to count down the hours with such pain. I was extremely irritable with my innocent human children wanting to spend as much uninterrupted time with Bentley as I could. It was his worst day yet. When he came inside from not going pee, he stepped just inside the front door and laid down there sleeping for the the rest of the day. My poor Love had to spend the day at work. While the kids were "napping", I once again just lied down with My Boy and pet him. Every once in awhile my weeping would startle him to sit up and I would try to calm him back down. Five more hours.
I spent part of the day removing some of Bentley's items from their normal places. As hard as it would be to come home and see them missing, I knew it would be even harder to see them there empty and unused when we got back that evening.
For some crazy reason My Love got home later than usual from work that day. His alone time with Wups was limited. Eventually our neighbor came over and the kids said goodbye before running off to play. My Love carried Bentley to the car and lifted him into the back of the Volvo. Was this really happening? The first few minutes were driven in silence with bursts of weeping from both of us. With each mile that we drew closer to our destination, my heart sunk deeper in my chest...
It was just four months before that we even noticed a change in Bentley's behavior and demeanor. We took him to the vet inquiring about his recent pee accidents in the house. They suspected a bladder infection and prescribed antibiotics. It didn't work. After a series of more tests, we pursued a second opinion and felt more confident with the care he was receiving at the new vet's office. More tests were done. His symptoms continued to develop and worsen. At some point we came to the decision that we could spend hundreds of more dollars just to confirm a diagnosis that we already knew we would not choose to treat, or we could accept his assumed illness as it was. Brain tumor.
At the end he was down to 64 pounds I think even diligently eating his regular two meals a day. My heart sank the day I noticed he left a few morsels of his breakfast in the bowl. That was SO not our boy. It had been weeks since he ate something off the counter or even off the floor. His legs were weak and he refused to climb any stairs. He was going blind and walked into walls and tripped over toys. He incessantly paced around the house every evening and when he wasn't doing that he was sleeping. He continued to have accidents. My Love came home before us on Valentine's Day to find Wups had pooped in the house and blindly tracked it all over the family room. Caring for him became so stressful trying to anticipate when he would need to go out to pee and literally having to carry him back inside. He would slowly wander in the front yard and down the street before he heard our voice calling him back and he would try to follow it. He was disoriented. No leash necessary. We hadn't gone on a Family Walk in quite awhile.
The Monday I made the call I could tell he was done. When I took him outside he would walk just a few steps and then lay down in the grass. It was a sunny, breezy day so at one point I just lied down with him spooning my furry firstborn in the front yard. It was one of the most beautiful moments I ever shared with him as I watched his fur blow in the sunshine. No photo was necessary.
My heart was breaking.
Wups had been sleeping in a crate when we were away from home and at night for a couple weeks. Monday night we brought him to bed with us and he slept for a few hours right between us before he woke up anxious. It was beautiful. My Love put him on the floor next to his side of the bed where he would normally sleep and he stayed there all night. It was so nice having him in the room with us again.
When Tuesday morning came, every thing about that day was excruciating. Knowing the exact time caused me to count down the hours with such pain. I was extremely irritable with my innocent human children wanting to spend as much uninterrupted time with Bentley as I could. It was his worst day yet. When he came inside from not going pee, he stepped just inside the front door and laid down there sleeping for the the rest of the day. My poor Love had to spend the day at work. While the kids were "napping", I once again just lied down with My Boy and pet him. Every once in awhile my weeping would startle him to sit up and I would try to calm him back down. Five more hours.
I spent part of the day removing some of Bentley's items from their normal places. As hard as it would be to come home and see them missing, I knew it would be even harder to see them there empty and unused when we got back that evening.
For some crazy reason My Love got home later than usual from work that day. His alone time with Wups was limited. Eventually our neighbor came over and the kids said goodbye before running off to play. My Love carried Bentley to the car and lifted him into the back of the Volvo. Was this really happening? The first few minutes were driven in silence with bursts of weeping from both of us. With each mile that we drew closer to our destination, my heart sunk deeper in my chest...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)