I won't lie. My four year old son has been running me ragged lately. He challenges my every word and chooses defiance over obedience. Sometimes I just look at him and ask out loud (or in my head), "Who are you?" I feel like I tell him over and over again that when Mommy/Daddy gives him an instruction he needs to obey it. Not give excuses or delay in response or pretend he doesn't hear me or offer a better idea or negotiate consequences or get distracted. Sigh. Just listen and obey.
While I was particularly frazzled while trying to take them out on a fun adventure, I realized something big and my heart sank.
He is four.
I am thirty.
And God tells me over and over again that he has a purpose for my life. He wants me to listen to and obey his word. He has proved himself faithful and worthy of my trust. And yet I defy. I want to see the big picture and I question his plan. I give excuses and delay in response because I think I know better. I sit silently pretending I didn't hear that instruction because I know it might hurt. I try to negotiate a better idea because I feel out of control. I think my plan is more thought out. I wiggle in my chair and get distracted by whatever idol I give my focus to above him in this moment.
He tells me to trust him. To listen to him. To obey his words.
And I fail.
Suddenly I am thankful for my four year old boy. I mean, of course I am. But today I am reminded that My Father never gets frazzled or run ragged by my 30 years of disobedience. The Holy Spirit breathes peace and patience. He never looks at me with his head tilted and asks, "Who are you?" but rather says, "I made you so trust in who you KNOW that I am!"
Breathe.
His grace is overwhelming.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
class three
My head was spinning last night. First because I had a pounding headache and second because there was just so much to process at our third training meeting. I have come to really enjoy my solo drive to and from the class on Tuesday evenings. My Love meets me there after work and so drives himself home. I cried all the way back to our house last night. I am overwhelmed.
I am not exactly sure what the theme of the training was called. It was taught by the director of Social Services. She had a lot of experience and an amazing memory. I kept looking at My Love when she would tell stories about particular children in foster care and rattle off the exact dates that situations happened. For the third straight time, we went around the room introducing ourselves and sharing why we were there. There have been new additions to the group and it has been helpful to get to know everyone a little more. There have been some faces missing too. The group is dwindling down. And some have admitted that they may not actually move forward with foster care when the training is done. We shall see.
The director read a kind of story about what a child goes through when they are taken from their family and put into foster care. What they might be thinking. An experience from the child's perspective. One line in particular really got me thinking. The child drives up to a big house where there are a Mom and Dad and kids standing on the front porch smiling excited to welcome this child into their home and this is exactly the worst day of the foster child's life. They are terrified. My prayers are changing.
There was much talk about abuse. They have promised there will be more to come. Sexual abuse is really common. I needed to hear that because it can be easy to pretend that it might not affect us. I turn my face away when she shares another story of a two year old.
My mind started thinking two things. How could anyone be so cruel and evil? And what are we getting ourselves into?
I don't think I can even explain how my heart is changing. On one hand I mourn the idea that Bundle Boy and Babydoll are about to lose their innocence. They are about to be introduced to a hard, wicked world that would cause a child pain. That would chose not to love a child. That would dispose of them. On the other hand I feel so thankful that God has given my children this gift to learn compassion and how to think beyond themselves and to be eye witnesses to why we all need a Savior.
We road the elevator down with a young-ish couple without children. They hope they can foster a baby who they can adopt. I hope their hearts aren't going to be broken. Can you imagine fostering a baby from birth and then saying goodbye 18 months later? That would be hard enough for me, but for it to be your only child at home... Breathe. We are praying for them. They are Christians and I hope God is preparing their hearts too.
The teachers of the training have told us time and time again that in 99% of the cases the ultimate goal is for the child to return to their birth parent. (Trust me that you don't even want me to share an example of the 1%.) Obviously that may not happen but that is what the social workers are working toward. No matter how badly they have been hurt by their parents, the child will want to be back with them. No matter if we can provide a better life for them, they will want to be with their birth family. We are preparing our hearts. We are choosing to love and nurture and pray over each child that God blesses us with. All the while trying to prevent our hearts from dreaming that they will be in our family forever. How does one do that? I am hopeful that they will teach us how to prepare our children for as much. A year is a long time in a 2-year old's life. How does Babydoll say goodbye to a child she has grown up with? Breathe.
There was another bit where we read on slips of paper scenarios that we tried our best to answer and then we watched a video. It was 15 minutes of text flashing across the screen and the periodic sound of children's voices reading some of the lines. It was powerful and moving and heartbreaking. What some children go through is overwhelming.
How? Sniff.
In the back of my head I hear a loud screaming telling me "DON'T DO THIS!" I know it is not the voice of truth. I mean, how could I not do this?!
There is much to process.
Up until now we have been somewhat consumed with preparing us for a new addition. Our thoughts have shifted. It is time to start thinking about the child. The scared, broken, angry, lost child. Does it really matter what our hearts might go through? Wouldn't God want us to love them with reckless abandon even if they don't love us back? It can be easy to look at all we have to offer and assume any child would be happy to fall right into line with our family. Why would they possibly trust me? There will be many tears and we have to be okay with that.
Once back at home together, My Love said, "On the drive home I just thought about how much we need to be praying for these kids."
I have no idea what it feels like to be scared, broken, angry or lost. I can not understand what it means to have no family. Can you imagine? To be full of pain and be all alone. To have no one to trust.
I envision lots of holding of little ones just speaking the name of Jesus. Telling them over and over again as they cry how much he loves them and cares for them and sees them. Only the Father can bring them comfort in a lifetime of pain so we will gladly point them to the cross.
Sniff.
I know all of this sounds hard but really it has been really good for us. We are learning a lot and believe it or not we are still excited about this journey.
My friend who has been staying with the children has been hit with what appears to be some spiritual warfare. Someone is trying to keep her from being a part of this process but she keeps showing up and we are thankful for her commitment. Pray for her.
We have scheduled a home study. Pray for us on March 19th at 1pm EST. My Love will be taking the time away from work (yay!) to be here even though they said he didn't have to. They will take a tour of our house and sit down to ask us some questions. We can't wait.
I also wanted to make clear something as I move forward. For obvious reasons, I will not be able to share any details about the children staying with us. You will never see a photo of them posted. You will never hear the reasons why they entered foster care. But I will share. I will share our joys and our struggles. I will need your prayers. I will be faithful to tell you how the Lord is answering them. Thanks for following us as we take this step of faith. God is always good even when we are in the midst of processing.
I am not exactly sure what the theme of the training was called. It was taught by the director of Social Services. She had a lot of experience and an amazing memory. I kept looking at My Love when she would tell stories about particular children in foster care and rattle off the exact dates that situations happened. For the third straight time, we went around the room introducing ourselves and sharing why we were there. There have been new additions to the group and it has been helpful to get to know everyone a little more. There have been some faces missing too. The group is dwindling down. And some have admitted that they may not actually move forward with foster care when the training is done. We shall see.
The director read a kind of story about what a child goes through when they are taken from their family and put into foster care. What they might be thinking. An experience from the child's perspective. One line in particular really got me thinking. The child drives up to a big house where there are a Mom and Dad and kids standing on the front porch smiling excited to welcome this child into their home and this is exactly the worst day of the foster child's life. They are terrified. My prayers are changing.
There was much talk about abuse. They have promised there will be more to come. Sexual abuse is really common. I needed to hear that because it can be easy to pretend that it might not affect us. I turn my face away when she shares another story of a two year old.
My mind started thinking two things. How could anyone be so cruel and evil? And what are we getting ourselves into?
I don't think I can even explain how my heart is changing. On one hand I mourn the idea that Bundle Boy and Babydoll are about to lose their innocence. They are about to be introduced to a hard, wicked world that would cause a child pain. That would chose not to love a child. That would dispose of them. On the other hand I feel so thankful that God has given my children this gift to learn compassion and how to think beyond themselves and to be eye witnesses to why we all need a Savior.
We road the elevator down with a young-ish couple without children. They hope they can foster a baby who they can adopt. I hope their hearts aren't going to be broken. Can you imagine fostering a baby from birth and then saying goodbye 18 months later? That would be hard enough for me, but for it to be your only child at home... Breathe. We are praying for them. They are Christians and I hope God is preparing their hearts too.
The teachers of the training have told us time and time again that in 99% of the cases the ultimate goal is for the child to return to their birth parent. (Trust me that you don't even want me to share an example of the 1%.) Obviously that may not happen but that is what the social workers are working toward. No matter how badly they have been hurt by their parents, the child will want to be back with them. No matter if we can provide a better life for them, they will want to be with their birth family. We are preparing our hearts. We are choosing to love and nurture and pray over each child that God blesses us with. All the while trying to prevent our hearts from dreaming that they will be in our family forever. How does one do that? I am hopeful that they will teach us how to prepare our children for as much. A year is a long time in a 2-year old's life. How does Babydoll say goodbye to a child she has grown up with? Breathe.
There was another bit where we read on slips of paper scenarios that we tried our best to answer and then we watched a video. It was 15 minutes of text flashing across the screen and the periodic sound of children's voices reading some of the lines. It was powerful and moving and heartbreaking. What some children go through is overwhelming.
How? Sniff.
In the back of my head I hear a loud screaming telling me "DON'T DO THIS!" I know it is not the voice of truth. I mean, how could I not do this?!
There is much to process.
Up until now we have been somewhat consumed with preparing us for a new addition. Our thoughts have shifted. It is time to start thinking about the child. The scared, broken, angry, lost child. Does it really matter what our hearts might go through? Wouldn't God want us to love them with reckless abandon even if they don't love us back? It can be easy to look at all we have to offer and assume any child would be happy to fall right into line with our family. Why would they possibly trust me? There will be many tears and we have to be okay with that.
Once back at home together, My Love said, "On the drive home I just thought about how much we need to be praying for these kids."
I have no idea what it feels like to be scared, broken, angry or lost. I can not understand what it means to have no family. Can you imagine? To be full of pain and be all alone. To have no one to trust.
I envision lots of holding of little ones just speaking the name of Jesus. Telling them over and over again as they cry how much he loves them and cares for them and sees them. Only the Father can bring them comfort in a lifetime of pain so we will gladly point them to the cross.
Sniff.
I know all of this sounds hard but really it has been really good for us. We are learning a lot and believe it or not we are still excited about this journey.
My friend who has been staying with the children has been hit with what appears to be some spiritual warfare. Someone is trying to keep her from being a part of this process but she keeps showing up and we are thankful for her commitment. Pray for her.
We have scheduled a home study. Pray for us on March 19th at 1pm EST. My Love will be taking the time away from work (yay!) to be here even though they said he didn't have to. They will take a tour of our house and sit down to ask us some questions. We can't wait.
I also wanted to make clear something as I move forward. For obvious reasons, I will not be able to share any details about the children staying with us. You will never see a photo of them posted. You will never hear the reasons why they entered foster care. But I will share. I will share our joys and our struggles. I will need your prayers. I will be faithful to tell you how the Lord is answering them. Thanks for following us as we take this step of faith. God is always good even when we are in the midst of processing.
Monday, March 5, 2012
break open the skies
I could dance around my family room singing this song all day long if I didn't have other things to do.
God has been busy repeating himself again. This time I keep hearing that "there is power in His name". The name of Jesus is powerful. I chew on that often.
The song I shared above is one of my favorites right now. I especially like the chorus. It helps that I am a visual person.
And He'll break open the skies
to save Those who cry out His name
The one the wind and waves obey
Is strong enough to save you
Don't you just love that imagery? Breaking up the sky for me. A name that the wind and waves obey. Beautiful.
Off to dig up a hymn that comes to mind at this moment. Enjoy the song.
note: Did you see the "lift up your head" reference there near the end of the song? God is cool like that.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
always again
A LONG time ago I remember sharing this song but I can't seem to find when/where I posted it. The chorus really spoke to me back then.
But I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain
And his promise remains.
He will be with you always
Today I was exploring some of Roku's channels in the "Religious" section and stumbled across a channel of Christian music videos. I added it and then watched a few videos of music I like before rediscovering this song. They don't play it on the radio here any more. Always by Building 429.
I teared up when I saw how the official music video depicted the lyrics in the video. Never did I take that meaning from the song. God was already planting the seed way back when.
Please pass the tissue.
*Sniff*
comforted by failure
As a kid growing up in the church, I remember asking God into my heart multiple times so he could forgive my sins in case He didn't hear me last time. I don't know why I did that. I guess I just saw other people at summer camps and youth rallies having radical transformations and maybe I thought I did it wrong before.
As a maturing believer, I am now thankful for a life testimony that was gently held by the Lord. Yes, it is true that I don't have any "big" sins for which my God saved me from and perhaps that was holding me back in my walk with him. I am not saying you have to really mess up to be really saved. I am just saying that maybe I needed to truly see my need for a Savior to completely understand his grace in my life.
When I was a child praying in the quiet of my heart at those alter calls that the Lord would save me from all my sins: past, present, future, I guess I thought that was it. And it was. Jesus died once for all. In my mind, the act of salvation had occurred. The rest was on me to do and say the best that I could. It was my responsibility to make good choices that modeled what was in the Bible. I made being a Christian about me.
Something happened this past year though. God showed me my daily need for his grace. (note: obviously there was other growth in my process of sanctification between 10 years old and 30). He put a mirror in front of my face and asked me if I was ready to let him live in all parts of me. Was I willing to surrender my whole heart to him so he could mold and shape it for his glory?
I have never confessed my sin so much as I have this past year. Not even in those blanket prayers way back in my elementary school days.
When you live in the light of Christ, there is nothing you can do or say that is ever good enough to earn his love. His love is a free gift. And yet I feel so unworthy to even accept it. I ask him time and time again to forgive my selfishness and pride and need for control. That he would take away my ugly heart and ungratefulness and harsh words toward those I love.
I don't repent because I question my salvation. I ask God to forgive my specific daily sins in the moment because I know I am unworthy of his unending grace. His grace abounds and I yet I continue to fail. It is frustrating.
Just this week I wrote an email to a friend trying to encourage her in a personal prayer request she sent me. By the next day I was struggling in the very thing I had been praying for her about.
My Love and I were barely talking on the way to church. I sat in worship feeling broken. Why do I do the very thing I don't want to do?
I came before my Savior again repenting of my ingratitude of all he has done for me. My attitude implies that it is not enough. I need more. Oh but he is enough. He is more than enough.
We drove home with few words spoken between us. I want to ask forgiveness of my husband but why do I always have to be the first? Why am I feeling convicted all the time?
The day goes on and I reach for my God Calling to break through the sound of my own annoying voice in my head.
Yesterday's entry read:
"Think of Me. Look at Me often, and unconsciously you will grow like Me. You may never see it. The nearer you get to Me, the more will you see your unlikeness to Me. So be comforted, My children. Your very deep sense of failure is a sure sign that you are growing nearer to Me. And if you desire to help others to Me, then that prayer-desire is answered. Remember too, it is only struggle that hurts. In sloth, spiritual, or mental, or physical, there is no sense of failure or discomfort, but with action , with effort, you are conscious not of strength but of weakness--at least, at first. That again is a sign of Life, of spiritual growth. And remember, My Strength is made perfect in weakness."
Um. Wow.
How does he do that?! I have never been so thankful to feel like a failure as I do today. I really was comforted by my own weakness. I guess it just means I am growing nearer to God and seeing how unlike him I really am. I need him. Oh the joy in eucharisteo!
It is a heart-aching place to be though. I don't want to sin against God or my husband. But every time I acknowledge that failure, I can more fully accept his grace in my life. I can have a better understanding for my need of a Savior.
My life has been transformed. Perhaps it came in the form of a delayed reaction (like 20 years late), but it has been no less radical.
As a maturing believer, I am now thankful for a life testimony that was gently held by the Lord. Yes, it is true that I don't have any "big" sins for which my God saved me from and perhaps that was holding me back in my walk with him. I am not saying you have to really mess up to be really saved. I am just saying that maybe I needed to truly see my need for a Savior to completely understand his grace in my life.
When I was a child praying in the quiet of my heart at those alter calls that the Lord would save me from all my sins: past, present, future, I guess I thought that was it. And it was. Jesus died once for all. In my mind, the act of salvation had occurred. The rest was on me to do and say the best that I could. It was my responsibility to make good choices that modeled what was in the Bible. I made being a Christian about me.
Something happened this past year though. God showed me my daily need for his grace. (note: obviously there was other growth in my process of sanctification between 10 years old and 30). He put a mirror in front of my face and asked me if I was ready to let him live in all parts of me. Was I willing to surrender my whole heart to him so he could mold and shape it for his glory?
I have never confessed my sin so much as I have this past year. Not even in those blanket prayers way back in my elementary school days.
When you live in the light of Christ, there is nothing you can do or say that is ever good enough to earn his love. His love is a free gift. And yet I feel so unworthy to even accept it. I ask him time and time again to forgive my selfishness and pride and need for control. That he would take away my ugly heart and ungratefulness and harsh words toward those I love.
I don't repent because I question my salvation. I ask God to forgive my specific daily sins in the moment because I know I am unworthy of his unending grace. His grace abounds and I yet I continue to fail. It is frustrating.
Just this week I wrote an email to a friend trying to encourage her in a personal prayer request she sent me. By the next day I was struggling in the very thing I had been praying for her about.
My Love and I were barely talking on the way to church. I sat in worship feeling broken. Why do I do the very thing I don't want to do?
I came before my Savior again repenting of my ingratitude of all he has done for me. My attitude implies that it is not enough. I need more. Oh but he is enough. He is more than enough.
We drove home with few words spoken between us. I want to ask forgiveness of my husband but why do I always have to be the first? Why am I feeling convicted all the time?
The day goes on and I reach for my God Calling to break through the sound of my own annoying voice in my head.
Yesterday's entry read:
"Think of Me. Look at Me often, and unconsciously you will grow like Me. You may never see it. The nearer you get to Me, the more will you see your unlikeness to Me. So be comforted, My children. Your very deep sense of failure is a sure sign that you are growing nearer to Me. And if you desire to help others to Me, then that prayer-desire is answered. Remember too, it is only struggle that hurts. In sloth, spiritual, or mental, or physical, there is no sense of failure or discomfort, but with action , with effort, you are conscious not of strength but of weakness--at least, at first. That again is a sign of Life, of spiritual growth. And remember, My Strength is made perfect in weakness."
Um. Wow.
How does he do that?! I have never been so thankful to feel like a failure as I do today. I really was comforted by my own weakness. I guess it just means I am growing nearer to God and seeing how unlike him I really am. I need him. Oh the joy in eucharisteo!
It is a heart-aching place to be though. I don't want to sin against God or my husband. But every time I acknowledge that failure, I can more fully accept his grace in my life. I can have a better understanding for my need of a Savior.
My life has been transformed. Perhaps it came in the form of a delayed reaction (like 20 years late), but it has been no less radical.
i'm with you
I have heard this song on the radio one hundred times before. Today my heart truly listened. Am I prepared to sing these words?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casting Crowns- Praise You In the Storm
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casting Crowns- Praise You In the Storm
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Friday, March 2, 2012
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